Living a Life of Love Creates Love in Return

“It is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves.”

John Bulwer

If there’s one thing we all want, it's to feel loved.

We want to feel deeply connected to other people, fully seen and appreciated by them, and secure in those relationships. We can have a million and one acquaintances online, but if none of our connections feel intimate and meaningful, we will ultimately feel alone. There’s actually some interesting research that shows we tend to value physical possessions less when we feel loved and accepted by others, because relationships can provide a sense of comfort, insurance, and protection. They truly are the most valuable things in our lives.

I see it happening all around me, and now again within myself. I see women forming bonds that they think will last for years, and I see romantic relationships (supposedly) blossoming all around me. Though I try day in and day out to open up to people close to me and create space for them to open up as well, I still feel alone, love-deprived, and terrified that these feelings will endure. I’m sure there are countless other people who’ve been in that place before: feeling isolated, disconnected, and confused about how to change it. Others still experience something different but related: They have meaningful friendships, but still feel there’s something lacking; like there could be more love coming their way, romantically or otherwise.

I’ve learned a lot about giving and receiving love over the last several years, and I’ve dramatically transformed my thinking and sense of connection as a result. If you’ve ever wanted to feel more loved, you may find these tips helpful:

Open Your Heart

1. Initiate meaningful conversations.

The first step to feeling more loved is creating close relationships, and that starts with meaningful, engaged conversations with people who actually CARE. These don’t necessarily need to be deep and spiritual in nature, they just need to be honest, authentic, and reciprocal.

You can initiate this type of exchange with anyone at almost any time simply by asking about the other person, fully listening to what they have to say, and then finding common ground. Naturally, some people will stay shut down, but it’s worth the risk of feeling vulnerable to find the ones who won’t.

2. Give the gift of your presence.

Often when we converse with people, we’re not fully listening; we’re formulating our response in our heads and waiting for our turn to talk. We’re not only doing the other person a disservice when we do this; we’re also shortchanging ourselves.

Think about the last time you really opened up to someone. It likely required you to feel a level of comfort and trust, even if you didn’t yet know that person very well. The act of opening up in itself is an offering of love. It’s an invitation to let someone in. In recognizing this and welcoming it by fully hearing other people, we are, in fact, receiving love.

3. Open up your love valve.

Just like a heart valve prevents blood from flowing backward, our love valve might block the flow of energy in our interactions. This generally happens when we get too caught up in our head, thinking, analyzing, and wanting more, instead of being present and allowing a natural give and take.

Come into the moment, take the pressure off the situation, and avoid the urge to fill silences with chatter. Instead, picture the interaction as something cyclical in nature, where there’s a balance of sharing and listening, giving and receiving.

Open Your Mind

4. Change your beliefs about the world and love.

When we tell ourselves the same things over and over again, we end up creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you tell yourself that people don’t care, you’ll put that energy into the world and then easily find evidence to back it up. If you tell yourself you’ll never experience love, you’ll create mental barriers and then subconsciously repel it.

Tell yourself a different story: There’s a lot of love in the world, there’s plenty to go around, you deserve it, and it’s coming to you every day.

5. Consider that love might look different than you visualized it.

In telling yourself that love is coming to you every day, you’re not merely lying to yourself; you’re taking responsibility for recognizing the love around you.

It might not be from the person you want to be with romantically. It might not meet the standards and criteria you defined in your head. That doesn’t mean it isn’t there.

When a friend pushes you to reach your potential, it’s an act of love. When a family member takes the time to listen to you, helping you form insights about your life, it’s an act of love. See and appreciate the love all around you and it will surely multiply because you’ll come to potential new relationships with a sense of wholeness instead of lack.

6. Give love when you’re tempted to judge.

Ultimately, this is how we all want to be loved: without judgment, pity, or condescension. Commit to giving this kind of love, both in your existing relationships and in new ones you might be tempted to avoid.

That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow your instincts when you feel like unsafe around someone. It just means you look below the surface, give people a chance, and in doing so create the potential for more meaningful, mutually supportive relationships.

Make the conscious choice to be understanding and compassionate. While getting isn’t the intention of giving, this will likely set the stage for you to receive the same consideration in return.

Open Your Eyes

7. Value the people who are there, not the ones who just pretend when they need you.

Sometimes we get so caught up looking for romantic love that we forget to appreciate the friends and family who are always there, offering their support. At least I do. I tend to cling to the ones who don't give a shit in hopes they someday will, instead of giving credit where it is due to the ones who are there by my side until the end.

I know you might be thinking that friendships aren’t the same as romantic affection, and I understand. I felt this way too. But we don’t attract romantic love into our lives by focusing on what’s missing. We attract potential partners by radiating love.

Take an inventory of all the people who care, and shift your focus to them. There are likely far more than you realize.

8. Recognize the love you’re not giving.

It’s far easier to pinpoint what we’re not getting than it is, to be honest with ourselves about what we’re not giving. Perhaps you want people to check-in with your more frequently. Are you checking in with them? Maybe you want people to ask more about your personal life. Are you asking them about theirs?

Give the type of love you want to receive. Give praise. Notice the little things. Go above and beyond. Offer help without it being asked of you.

I'm not suggesting you should always be the one giving. If it feels like a constant one-way street in my world, and if that's the case with you, then it might be time to reevaluate your relationships. But in most healthy ones, giving more freely creates an environment of consideration and generosity.

And then, of course, there’s the other side of this coin: Ask for what you need! There’s one relationship in my life that’s often felt unbalanced.

9. Look deeply at your needs and intentions.

Sometimes when we go out looking for love, we’re really trying to avoid giving ourselves what we need. There’s pain in our past we don’t want to acknowledge, or there’s an emptiness inside that we don’t want to fill on our own.

If you’re feeling a hole somewhere inside, take a close look at what might have caused it, then stay away from it. Be strong enough to acknowledge what you need to do for you, whether it’s having a long overdue conversation with a family member, working on your self-esteem, or finding a sense of purpose in life.

We all deserve to feel loved by the people we love in our lives, but first, we need to be willing and able to love ourselves. That’s what it takes to feel deeply connected: to feel deeply connected to ourselves and confident in what we can give.

Feeling Homesick, but not for Home

There is no feeling quite as lonely as the feeling of being homesick. It’s a lingering feeling of acute isolation that washes over your entire body. It’s a vacant feeling of being sorely disconnected. It’s one of the most pressingly painful feelings.

At times, the feeling seems to manifest itself into a jilted, jarring sensation not dissimilar to heartbreak. Your heart begins to feel heavy in your chest. You lose your appetite. It feels worse than loneliness, sort of like complete alienation. The emptiness follows you everywhere you go, and even though you try your best not to, you associate and relate it to past occurrences or even people of your past.  Even booze and happy pills can’t fill the lonely gaps.

There are times, you feel overcome with an incessant longing for familiarity, and you have no idea what it is. Everything feels unknown. Even the pleasant smells of what used to make your heart pitter-patter…voices of certain people that would melt your skin and send a euphoria through your veins like nothing else would. Often times, you just cry into your pillow wondering why you feel the way you do. Sometimes you feel like you could dissipate into the thin air and not a soul would notice you were gone.

You sift through the days as if everything is fine and plaster on a stiff smile at work. Sometimes at night, you physically can’t even cry. Instead, you find myself staring blankly at the wall, numbing yourself because you knew if you allowed yourself to feel, you would fall into the same familiar grey vortex of hopelessness that your past put you in many, many times before.

You keep yourself immersed in blankness, but somewhere deep down, you ache for that old connection you once had before. Not the excessive abuse or lack of sympathy and love; but the good times; those great times. The times when even though it seems fake and unreal now, those good times had you in the moment and feeling like you were the best thing that ever happened to them. Even though they have proved time and time again that you meant nothing.

How could you be feeling so desperately homesick for a place that doesn’t want you home? Guilt and confusion join forces and invade your brain, and nothing makes sense. Immersing yourself in everything that usually makes you feel safe and connected is simply not working. Nothing provides relief, and you’ve realized it’s because you're not homesick for a place: You're homesick for a familiar feeling.

Your feeling of homesick isn’t a tangible place. You feel like you’ve let others cause you to lose sight of who you are, nowhere in the world will ever feel like home at this point. Even if those familiar arms wrapped around you so tight, there would still be that feeling of complete emptiness.

You're homesick for a time that no longer exists. A time when you actually trusted people. A time when you thought you were loved much more than you were.

As we get older and briskly move forward in our lives, we somehow expect home to magically stand still. We think that home is a constant, that it will never change and that everything will look and feel the same no matter how long we abandon it. The truth is, home changes as much as we do.

We are all homesick for that fairy tale love fantasy. We are homesick for that person who will eventually see our worth and everything we can offer. We are homesick for someone we don’t even know yet. I learned home isn’t a place. It’s not a shattered memory of the person we once were. It’s not in the familiar faces and smells. And it's not in your warm, loving home...

It’s in you.

And when we can learn to make peace with ourselves and understand reality, then we’ll learn to feel at home.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, the horn of my salvation and my place for safety. He will cover me with his feathers and cloak; under His wings, I shall trust Him; His truth shall be my shield.

Psalm 18:2, Psalm 91:4

Who makes up your circle?

While lying in bed last night trying my best to get my mind to stop it's treacherous roller coaster ride, I couldn't help but reflect on several recent situations I have encountered over the past couple of months with different people. I have analyzed a few awkward moments with people, and the common denominator with them all seems to be me offering a positive spin on the situation or comment being thrown at me. I have learned, these comments and discussions are being thrown at me with the expectation that I will think the same way as them and join in on the judgmental world of negativity. Problem is, my mind has a way of thinking 'benefit of the doubt', so my first instinct is not going to be to think about the situation the same way.

I was in a discussion about some Facebook picture drama added with an assumed negative meaning behind it. When I offered my positive view as a way to ease this person's mind about it negatively effecting them, I was flipped off. Yes, I got the finger.

I was in a discussion about a particular person's relationship status. After listening, I saw another side of the situation and tried sharing my positive light on it. This quickly resulted in offensive comments about the way I saw the situation; simply because I didn't join in on talking ill about it.

I posted a general Facebook status about how I was 'praying for a close friend and their current life situation', and I was asked by that friend if the post was pertaining to them - thinking maybe they would be grateful like 100% of all humans beings are when others pray for them. When my answer was 'maybe', I was asked to delete it...two weeks later, still no word from her. Apparently her situation isn't as bad as it's being portrayed to be by the multiple phone calls and all the support I've had to dish out over the YEARS. Just an FYI: If you're praying for me, keep on keeping on. I don't have to display my drama to appreciate prayer any day.

My attempt at keeping this post short-ish has already failed. But I assure you, I have 3 more scenarios that also result in someone becoming distant or getting pissed off due to me not taking interest in the negative spin with their particular dramatic fiasco. It is apparent that everyone on this planet at some point in the their life will need to seek attention in some way. Some do it through made-up drama, some make situations up out of thin air, and some literally find negativity in everything. Like in a perfect double rainbow WITH a pot of gold actually sitting at the end. PSA: I strive to not be one of those people, and I don't want to be included in the discussion if my views and take on the situation aren't welcomed. Newsflash - People can have discussions and have different views. That's how different views on the same situation are seen and brought to light.

So, I will close with this: We cannot continue to throw around comments and meme posts about how we strive to be better than we were yesterday and how we need to be a positive venue for others if we don't put in the effort to make it happen within ourselves. If the {constant} work I am doing with myself, my life, my thoughts and my reactions causes your dramatic and negative mindset to suddenly come to a screeching halt (aside from your childish behavior of getting butt-hurt), then my work is definitely paying off.

And because I'm human & the devil knows I'm trying hard, there will come a day when he will win and cause me to slip up, have a moment and find negativity where it just doesn't belong. But when that day comes, I hope I have friends like myself who will return the favor and offer peace and simplicity to my mind by offering up their POSITIVE two cents in an effort to straighten me up. I'm not a friend who requires much; actually, I require nothing at all. But as much as I do and give to others, If you can't give back in that simple way, then you don't need my friendship. Better yet - I don't need your type of friendship holding me back from being my best self.

To The One Who Stopped Appreciating The Girl He Loved

You thought that being perplexed was an excuse to stop appreciating her. You let your past, your pride, your demons, your selfishness and the fact that you are weak and scared be a validation for why you treated her the way you did. And you lost her, the one girl you needed to appreciate.

You didn't give her all of you and all of your love while making her think you were taking her on some crazy love adventure. You didn't hold her hand tight and teach her something new. You may have kissed her face a million times, or took her somewhere she’s always wanted to go, or even danced with her cheek to cheek and spoiled her with 'things' to make her feel special, but the most important thing was kept from her; your love and appreciation.

Believe it or not, this was the girl who changed your life. She was the one who was desperately trying to make you a better man. This was the girl who loved all of your wrongness, all those parts of you that hurt her the most, the parts that you hate about yourself. The girl who wiped your tears when you spoke about your dad and what he must have been like, the one who kissed your rough edges, who loved all of your roughness despite how ugly you treated her. Those parts of yourself that you only showed to her, even though they hurt her to the core, she adored them anyway. Her love for you somehow warmed your imperfections without you even realizing it, and you won't admit it, but it changed you somehow for the better.

This was the girl you needed to appreciate, because you know in your heart you will never give all of you like that to anyone else, and you know that no other girl will love you and your imperfections any better that she did. No one will put forth that much effort for such little gain.

Extraordinary love is rare. It means something. You needed to fight for it, to be a better man for her in order to have made an effort. You think choice means something. You think easiness is good. You think the more chances she gave you, the better you were. But trust me when I say, she is in your heart no matter how mad you portray yourself to be. Your roots have entwined together. You know that no matter what, she still looks at you as if you are magic, and you don't even notice a glimpse of it. All the while, in the back of your mind, deep down in your subconscious, you think there’s something better - but it’s all just an illusion that your ego is showing you.

You don't realize it, but dating her was not the end of your liberty, it was the beginning of it.

This love was extraordinary. You want calm seas and smooth sailing, but the girl you fell for is opinionated and smart who doesn’t always agree with you. She is difficult, she requires effort; it was a challenge, it was work, but know this - the easy girl will never satisfy you. She may be sweet and kind, but her uninspiring ways will eventually leave you empty inside. She will always leave you wanting more, never fulfilling your needs.

She argued with you because she cared. She craved so much more from you in order to grow with you - she had opinions and big dreams for your future as well as her own. She never let you get away with slacking on your talents and potential, and you think she was coming down hard on you for it. No matter how much she loved you, you never realized that eventually she would leave because you stop appreciating her.

Because she knows what you have, and she will never put up with not getting everything she deserves.

Whatever you did, you let her get away. It may have been difficult at times - she may have drove you crazy, she frustrated the hell out of you. But she never left you uninspired or unsatisfied. And she always allowed you back in when she shouldn't have.

You thought that no matter what you did, she would always be there because she loves you. That she would always take you back. But remember that you fell for the girl who isn't easy: as in, she won't just 'go with the flow' all of the time. She knows her worth. She knows the seriousness of what y'all had. She is the girl who will not settle for someone who doesn't put her first.

You didn't even know it, but you had a love that built, that made your soul alive, that made you a better man. You let this love get discarded for the next boring interest or side-chick. You lost this love because of your pride, your fears, your ego, your past and your selfish ways. Someone will value how special she is - someone will put in the effort that you didn't in order to be with her, and she will feel whole because of the appreciation she deserves.

Wake up and realize, she was worth appreciating. Because you didn't, you are the one who will suffer the most. You don't see it now, but you will soon enough.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love,

and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

1 John 4:16

Why She Stays - Understanding the Weak

"He won't lay a finger on you,

He won't wreck your pretty face.

But he'll tell you that you're worthless

Just to put you in your place."

Little Big Town, Evangeline

I came across this read, tweaked it a bit, and couldn't help understanding myself more. What more I had to be thankful for that lies ahead in my future. And the things I need to be looking forward to rather than the very things that have broke me down over the past several months.


They say you can't truly understand something until it happens to you. And they are absolutely right.

When I was young, I remember hearing a story from a friend about a woman and a man who started fighting in the car in front of my friend. the woman ran from the car and the man followed, brutally beating her and a passerby who tried to help, in front of dozens of people staring in shock. Certainly after that she would leave him, wouldn’t she?

Only a few months later, we spotted the same woman, with the same man - in line together at a local restaurant. I asked myself for years following why in the world she would stay. She was an idiot. She knew better. It was an obvious choice. He had done it once, and he would do it again. She was an idiot.

Now I understand.

Alcohol is an ingredient many people add to many of their scheduled plans. Bon fires, live music, riding back roads, etc. But the plans that are actually planned, hardly ever go 'as planned' when you have alcohol involved. Accidental or not - drunk or not - remember or not...abuse is abuse. A hit is a hit. A punch is a punch. And a shove is a shove. Every single time.

So let's just say he really is sorry after this incident, and months go by and he actually doesn't do it again. People like that have to have an out for their anger, whether it is physical or verbal. Brace yourselves - it will come in other forms if he isn't being physical anymore. These other forms are known as emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and they hit just as hard as a physical punch or shove ever could.

“You’re a bitch”.

“You’re a whore”.

“I don't care".

"F*** you".
"Go hit a wall or something".

"Go cry about it some more".

These incidences escalated to the point where one night I sat sobbing on my patio. I felt worthless. My life at that given moment was meaningless. I had no one. I couldn't tell anyone, the judging alone would send me over the edge. My one close friend who knew about all the incidences assured me that I was too good and loyal to put up with being treated like that, and that I should leave; that I had no reason to stay. So why didn’t I leave?

With every low there is a high. With every fight, there is a morning full of regretful apologies, tears and promises of it never happening again. And for a while, everything is back to being perfect. Until it happens again...

And again, and again, and again.

It is at the very moment it's over for good; you have mustered up the courage to walk away. You will find yourself alone. You will then find that what you've put up with for far too long has beaten you down to the point you thought you would never end up. It's as if we become brainwashed, broken to the point where we actually believe things are our fault and that we actually deserved the abuse in some sick way. Somehow we start to believe that if we change, that if we could only be better for him, it would stop. But it never does.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This experience has opened my eyes to millions of women in this world who endure and accept physical and emotional abuse day after day after day. So often society judges these women so harshly when they choose to stay, but not everyone understands why. Until a woman completely realizes what she is experiencing in her relationship is wrong and is in no way, shape, or form true love, she will certainly stay. And you cannot judge her for that.

You may not know why she stays, but I do.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,
showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,
since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,
so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7

Men, women aren't as complicated as you think -

I read an article recently that focused on relationships and the what to do's and the what not to do's; and if you know anything about me, I'm literally obsessed with the ins and out of all aspects dealing with relationship anything. I'm not sure if it's the endless amount of things that make up a good one or if it's the drive to understand why there are so many bad ones. I'm not sure, but what I am sure of (from experience) are the very things that will kill a relationship in a second.


I can only imagine the stressors of a man. We women expect our men to be sensitive, caring and in tune with our feelings. But at the same time, we still expect them to be strong protectors and able to fix anything that breaks. But what we don't understand, is that men can't be too sensitive or they begin to feel as though they are not being good enough protectors. On the other hand, they can't be too protective, or they begin feeling like they aren't being sensitive enough.


Although it may sound like I'm defending a man, I think it is very important for them to assume responsibility of being open minded in order to always balance between being caring and being strong. There is such a fine line, that most men can't determine the 'time' or 'place' for being either one or the other. Which brings me to a few things men do that ultimately hurt and most of the time, kill their relationship.


Being 'HARD' does not define your manhood
Ever since you were a kid, boys were taught to, "Man up," and, "Don't cry," just to accept the fact that bad things just happen in life. While this is good advice sometimes, your partner also needs you to be an optimist. Your relationship will need to rally from all kinds of challenges, failures, hurt feelings and health problems. Your partner doesn't need someone to tell her to stop crying, she needs a shoulder to cry on.


Put forth a little effort, and back up how you say you feel.
Physical affection is more than just sex. It includes giving her hugs before you leave for work, holding her hand in the aisle at the grocery store and pulling her close to you when you're watching a movie on the couch together. If you're withholding these things from her, you're withholding physical affection that women thrive on. The affection you try to show inside the bedroom will never make up for the physical affection you show her outside the bedroom.


Drop the ego and get on her level.
Studies show, that when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that the relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your job or career, this strategy will sure backfire in your relationship, because your partner will end up feeling like her opinions aren’t valuable and that she doesn’t matter to you. To help save your relationship, develop a more accepting attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.


We listen to you and act interested, try to do the same for us.
Story, after story, after story....the fishing trip gone bad, the weird guy from work, your family, your mother, the other weird guy from work, work, your hard day at work, your meeting at work, your jerk of a boss...We not only listen when you rant, we actually engage. Even if it does not relate one bit to our current day or situation; it is our job to make you feel like you are heard. We are your soundboard; we are who you bounce your negatives and positives off of, and you look to us for the sympathy or reassurance you need in all circumstances. So why not reciprocate that to us? Why not be that person when we need it? We don't expect you to actually 'care' about the stressors of our day, but if you aren't wanting us to seek out what we need elsewhere, then you also need to be engaged when we need you.


Prove to her with your actions why you ultimately chose her.
Of the hundreds of girls you have known and the dozens you have dated, your partner is the one you have picked to spend the rest of your life with. She needs to know that you still pick her - every day. Every time you check your phone when you're out together or every time you come home late from work without calling you're sending her a message that she's not important to you. Consequently, she wonders if you still care about her as much as when you first got married. Your work is important, but don't forget what you're working for. Remember that there's nothing on your phone that's more important than what's going on right around you.


Define your love for her every chance you get - after all, you're the one probably benefitting the most from it in the end.
Your partner needs to know she is loved and that you are grateful for her. You think you're showing love by going to work every day and bringing home a paycheck, so most of the time you don't do much more than that (except maybe on Valentine's Day). But, she needs more than that to see your love; she needs you to show her that you're doing it all for her. So take a little extra time and do something special. Send her a couple texts during the day or bring her home some flowers from the grocery store. You might be surprised at the reaction you get.


For God's sake, say you're sorry when you're at fault.
Nine times out of ten, a man is not owned by his faults unless his partner brings it to his attention. And it is a commonly known fact that when she outs him, most men will run through every excuse in the book to cover up the smallest thing before he feels like he should apologize - even when he is in the wrong and she can prove it! Guys, if you're the man you proclaim to be, then admit when you're wrong. You don't know it, but women (or at least myself) find ultimate attraction in a vulnerable man. When a man can put his ego aside and own up to something he did or didn't do, that is a major turn on. It's even sexier when you're willing to talk about it in efforts to save our negative feelings about it. Bottom line - a man who takes care of his woman emotionally, is definitely a man worth catering to.

Simply Because I love to Blog About Relationships

This is a repost from an article I came across this past weekend. It gives a lot of insight to the main problem areas in relationships today. Or, its simply another view on things...

Communication - it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated communication as the number one problem in relationships and marriage...it's not.

Relationship communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office.

In relationship communication, everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of relationships, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We date and marry people because we like who they are.

People change. Plan on it. Don't be with someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Be with them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Relationships and marriage do not take away our loneliness.

To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Relationships and marriages don't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Relationships and marriage are intended for 2 humans to share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it.

We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it, and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best relationship therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins.

We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we are grown, the ego is the very wall that separates us. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and relationships are life.

So relationships are messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard.

By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there's no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It's a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy of standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it's almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. The hidden power struggle.

Most conflict in relationships is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decided how much distance we keep between us? If we don't ask that question explicitly, we'll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

8. We don't know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore.

We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation--attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again--is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any relationship or marriage is to survive and thrive.

People can be taught to communicate in just an hour. It's not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes an entire lifetime. And yet, it's a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.

And that is a lifetime worth fighting for.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  Hebrews 10:24-25

--Kelly M. Flanagan