Simply Because I love to Blog About Relationships

This is a repost from an article I came across this past weekend. It gives a lot of insight to the main problem areas in relationships today. Or, its simply another view on things...

Communication - it gets blamed for everything. For generations, in survey after survey, couples have rated communication as the number one problem in relationships and marriage...it's not.

Relationship communication is getting a bad rap. It's like the kid who fights back on the playground. The playground supervisors hear a commotion and turn their heads just in time to see his retaliation. He didn't create the problem; he was reacting to the problem. But he's the one who gets caught, so he's sent off to the principal's office.

In relationship communication, everyone gangs up on him, when the truth is, on the playground of relationships, he's just reacting to one of the other troublemakers who started the fight:

1. We date and marry people because we like who they are.

People change. Plan on it. Don't be with someone because of who they are, or who you want them to become. Be with them because of who they are determined to become. And then spend a lifetime joining them in their becoming, as they join you in yours.

2. Relationships and marriage do not take away our loneliness.

To be alive is to be lonely. It's the human condition. Relationships and marriages don't change the human condition. It can't make us completely unlonely. And when it doesn't, we blame our partner for doing something wrong, or we go searching for companionship elsewhere. Relationships and marriage are intended for 2 humans to share the experience of loneliness and, in the sharing, create moments in which the loneliness dissipates. For a little while.

3. Shame baggage. Yes, we all carry it.

We spend most of our adolescence and early adulthood trying to pretend our shame doesn't exist so, when the person we love triggers it in us, we blame them for creating it. And then we demand they fix it. But the truth is, they didn't create it, and they can't fix it. Sometimes the best relationship therapy is individual therapy, in which we work to heal our own shame. So we can stop transferring it to the ones we love.

4. Ego wins.

We've all got one. We came by it honestly. Probably sometime around the fourth grade when kids started to be jerks to us. Maybe earlier if our family members were jerks first. The ego was a good thing. It kept us safe from the emotional slings and arrows. But now that we are grown, the ego is the very wall that separates us. It's time for it to come down. By practicing openness instead of defensiveness, forgiveness instead of vengeance, apology instead of blame, vulnerability instead of strength and grace instead of power.

5. Life is messy and relationships are life.

So relationships are messy, too. But when things stop working perfectly, we start blaming our partner for the snags. We add unnecessary mess to the already inescapable mess of life and love. We must stop pointing fingers and start intertwining them. And then we can we walk into, and through, the mess of life together. Blameless and shameless.

6. Empathy is hard.

By its very nature, empathy cannot happen simultaneously between two people. One partner must always go first, and there's no guarantee of reciprocation. It takes risk. It's a sacrifice. So most of us wait for our partner to go first. A lifelong empathy of standoff. And when one partner actually does take the empathy plunge, it's almost always a belly flop. The truth is, the people we love are fallible human beings and they will never be the perfect mirror we desire. Can we love them anyway, by taking the empathy plunge ourselves?

7. The hidden power struggle.

Most conflict in relationships is at least in part a negotiation around the level of interconnectedness between lovers. Men usually want less. Women usually want more. Sometimes, those roles are reversed. Regardless, when you read between the lines of most fights, this is the question you find: Who gets to decided how much distance we keep between us? If we don't ask that question explicitly, we'll fight about it implicitly. Forever.

8. We don't know how to maintain interest in one thing or one person anymore.

We live in a world pulling our attention in a million different directions. The practice of meditation--attending to one thing and then returning our attention to it when we become distracted, over and over and over again--is an essential art. When we are constantly encouraged to attend to the shiny surface of things and to move on when we get a little bored, making our life a meditation upon the person we love is a revolutionary act. And it is absolutely essential if any relationship or marriage is to survive and thrive.

People can be taught to communicate in just an hour. It's not complicated. But dealing with the troublemakers who started the fight? Well, that takes an entire lifetime. And yet, it's a lifetime that forms us into people who are becoming ever more loving versions of ourselves, who can bear the weight of loneliness, who have released the weight of shame, who have traded in walls for bridges, who have embraced the mess of being alive, who risk empathy and forgive disappointments, who love everyone with equal fervor, who give and take and compromise, and who have dedicated themselves to a lifetime of presence and awareness and attentiveness.

And that is a lifetime worth fighting for.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.  Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another--and all the more as you see the Day approaching.  Hebrews 10:24-25

--Kelly M. Flanagan

Social Stamina and Building your Character

I cannot get over the fact that some people think it's good to always have a negative attitude the second something doesn't go how they expect. What happened to 'you don't know the whole story' or 'wait until you know the reason why'. People tend to think they are superior to everyone else and that the world revolves solely around them. It's absolutely astonishing. You text someone, they don't immediately text you back. So you get pissy and starting throwing digs and daggers to that person thinking they are being facetious - Newsflash; maybe that person hasn't had a chance to text you back. Maybe that person's phone is froze up and they had to restart it, and you just went on the attack. Before you even gave a rational thought as to why this person hasn't text you back when you expected, you started building negative character.

Someone comes to you with an issue. Be it, their feelings are hurt because of something you said or did or maybe just how a situation was handled on your end. (FYI - anytime a person comes to you to address this sort of matter, it's because they care enough to resolve it so that they don't feel this way again.) Instead of being an upstanding adult and actually resolving the issue that is being brought up, you immediately make it about you and turn it around to justify why you made that person feel the way they do. You throw negative digs, you say hurtful things, and why - to punish them for trying to make the situation better? That's impressive... Again - there you are building negative character. Many people will spin off the initial issue brought up, and they will bring up another issue that is directed to that person. This is what I call, 'tit for tat'. Irrelevant topics that are brought up to take the heat off someone quick. This is pointless and just builds more hurt against the two of you. How about resolve their issue and maybe bring your issue up on your own. You don't have to be prompted by someone else's issue to bring yours up to have something to throw in their face - do it on your own. Now next time, that person isn't even going to come to you to try to fix an issue, and you are going to act as if you don't understand why. These things happen a number of times, and people tend to give up.

How you perceive someone's feelings, emotions and ideas says everything about you and your character. You build the image people see when they look at you, and when you build negative character, your image then becomes a negative one. Maturity is also radiated by your actions and reactions to other people. It is displayed by acting in such a manner as 'handling up on business', not one-upping them with the blame game. It doesn't take long for someone looking for rationalism in a situation to turn and walk away from the person who can't keep their inner child contained at appropriate and important times.

And no - this is not just another one of Casey's "ridiculous standards"; this is real life. People can say all day long that they don't care what other people think. But in my opinion, you should definitely care what other people think. Other people have a bigger pull on your life than you will ever realize; both physically and emotionally. Plus, people tend to be attracted to level-headed people who have the ability to uphold and conduct mature conversations with efforts to strive for positive results. No one likes to deal with irrational people who act as cocked guns waiting to fire at any second for any reason.

It's not that hard to co-exist. If everyone would live by the golden rule and not get offended when it's acted upon, then no one would have a problem with anyone - ever.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.
Luke 6:31

Accommodating for Life Factors Without Changing Who You Are

We hear it time and time again; "Don't ever change for anyone." Or, "Don't expect anyone to change for you." This is true to an extent, depending on how you define this word we call change.

We all define ourselves as certain types of people with certain types of quirks; this is what I do on the weekends, this is what I like to do in the Summer, this is how I am when hunting season is here, this is how I eat my so-in-so, this is how I am with my girl friends, this is how I am with the guys, that's just how I talk...I believe that when someone feels the need to change for someone or when we feel the need to change them, we confuse 'change' with 'accommodate'.

I am personally at fault for this. I've lived it and have also seen it with my own eyes, as should you. You're around a person and their family, and they are one way. You are around them with their friends, and they are another. We all have a natural sense to adapt to our surroundings, thus setting this same expectation of adaptation with others. Though, some only adapt when they want to and not for every occasion.

Majority of the time, you begin dating someone because of how they are with you. You fall for them because of the way they make you feel when you're together. Yeah, he/she has some things about them that you don't necessarily like or agree with, but you go along with it in hopes that they will remain the way they are with you, then someday grow out of this 'other' person they portray to be around others. This person adapts to his/her surroundings and accommodates for their settings. How do you know which personality or 'way' this person really is? How do you know that the person they are with you, is their true person? We tend to believe that this person is who they truly are based on how they are with us, forgetting or not seeing who they really truly are as a person.

Altering some not-so-good points of yourself around certain people is not considered changing yourself. And seeing it as a 'change' is simply you being stubborn in not wanting to try and do something a little different to accommodate for someone else's feelings or standards. We live in a day and age where we don't want to change anything or work toward doing things different at all. Whether it's the time of day we eat, words we say out of habit or how we react to things simply because our way of doing these things are from constant habit over time.

"If it has worked up until this point, why would I put forth effort into slightly conforming my ways for someone else?"

(Uhh, probably because you supposedly love this person? Maybe?)

This seems to be our mentality, and we don't even want to talk about or consider meshing our lives with someone else's because we may have to alter some things on our end.

Are people not one way single, and another way when they're dating someone (or should be)? Well that's a form of accommodating for your current relationship status situation. Or you could call that 'change'. People will admit all day long that relationships take work, sacrifice and more effort than one can even imagine. And saying it comes easy, but when it comes down to actually doing it, everyone backs up or stalls and screams 'you're trying to change me'. It's an aggravating tick with me - it always has been. There are no 2 people the same, obviously. And like I stated before, meshing 2 different lives and co-existing with the many differences is a major task. But I personally believe that if you aren't being asked to transform yourself from Christian to Atheism, change your sex or identity, or alter yourself in any way that deflects from your core values, then change and accommodation is a must for both parties. I mean, lets get real here - you can't act single when you're in a relationship. You cannot do things that a single person does when you're in a relationship. And if you do, you are wasting each other's time and showing the most disrespect for your partner.  

But I guess here is where people feel as though their toes are being stepped on. "Don't come walking into my life trying to change who I am." Ok, again - unless you are asked to change the listed points in the previous paragraph, no one is expecting you to 'change' yourself.

It's rare that both parties are fully aware of the give on both sides. Everyone sees strictly what they are expected to do; how they are expected to be; what they are expected to do differently; what they need to change. (Newsflash - you're in a relationship, so it's not all about you. Sorry, not sorry.) But they rarely see what the other person has changed/accommodated for already without even being asked to do so.

Again, it's a give and take. But realizing all the factors is what's going to keep it together and solid. Without realization of the situation at whole, you're both doomed.

Strictly my opinion, but I will say it for the 4,769,243rd time:

Love is not angry.

Love is not one-sided.

Love is not about retaliation.

Love is not disrespectful.

Love is not shameful.

Love is not selfish

Love is not all about you.
Love is not jealousy, or tendencies of.

Love is not unreciprocated expectations.

Love is not meant to be a score-card.

Love is not temporary.

Love is not hurtful.
It is not about you,
And it is not about me;
Love is about 'us'.

 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Deceit Gets You Nowhere

Another thought arises - and no, it shouldn't shock you too much; only because, if you know anything about me, you know that I have a lot to say about everything. The thing is, I've been told (and I myself also believe) I just shouldn't voice it - most of the time! But the great part about this blog is, it's MY blog! How gratefully wonderful that must be! To be able to pretty much voice my opinion on anything I wish...If you are afraid to read the facts of life discussed below, your future judgment (if read) is not welcomed, so I would refrain from reading on. If, however, you are an open-minded individual who has once or many times before felt stupid for something you have heard or said to someone and later commenting on it before you find out the truth -- or by finding out later that the story you THOUGHT was the real story was not at all, and now you are ashamed for thinking the way you thought about someone in particular, then let the reading continue...

I believe Ayn Rand quoted it best when she said:

"People think that a liar gains a victory over their victim. What I have learned, is that a lie is an act of self-abdication, because one surrenders one's reality to the person to whom one lies, making that person one's master condemning oneself from then on to faking the sort of reality that person's view requires to be faked...The man who lies to the world, is the world's slave from then on...There are no white lies, there is only the blackest of destruction, and a white lie is the blackest of all."

I do have to disagree with the "there are no white lies" part. Because circumstances change and decisions are swayed before getting back to someone with a different explanation. However, a lie is a lie. And a white lie, in my book, is dishonesty no matter how you look at it. Now, a lie told about another lie, is just plain disrespectful. Then a lie told about the lie that was told about the original lie? Well, that just has destruction written all over it, no matter who you are.

If you've ever been lied to, you know how difficult it can be to ever trust that person again. You can't help but wonder why a friend or family member would do that to you, and say they loved you at the same time. When going through any kind of hardship or turmoil with someone, there are bound to be lies. There are egos at stake, there is self-worth to maintain, and mostly - no one wants to disappoint anyone. All of this is understandable. When you lie, even if you think others will never find out, you will almost certainly create a barrier of hurt in your existing relationship. Unfortunately, when the other person finds out about your lying (and they usually do), it is nearly impossible to regain trust again. Only because once someone lies to you, it somehow always happens again...and again and again. What are you wanting your relationships to be based on; lies that you tell, in order to protect yourself, or to avoid conflict? Or do you want your relationship to be based on a commitment to honesty and integrity, regardless of the hard times? You decide which, and then you decided which you will accept from the other involved.

When people continue to lie, it’s like putting a giant rock on their back and having to carry it around everywhere they go. It is a relationship destroyer that ends up destroying you. Lying destroys us because it takes us into a vicious cycle that is extremely difficult to get free from. Once you tell a lie, you usually have to lie again to cover up the first lie, and you feel even worse. People who are trapped in a cycle of lying become controlled by fear - a fear of not only being found out as a liar, but also having the truth uncovered about themselves. It all comes down to this: Lying comes with a huge cost - it destroys lives. Relationships will crumble and people will refuse to trust you. And don't mistaken the fact that - the person most hurt by your lying is NOT the person you are bad-mouthing, it is you.

But then, what happens when you are confronted with the truth and so, asked to help sort it out. This is the time where one decides - do I tuck my tail and absorb the fact that they know the truth and discuss ways to resolve the issue at hand, orrrrrrr do I create another issue along with the current issue and lie about my previous lie...when I'm already being called out on lying in the first place? This my friends, is a mind game in my world. It's called 'wanting to have the upper hand' or not wanting to succumb to the fact that you told a big fat lie for no reason whatsoever - or furthermore, flat out not wanting to agree to the fact that you got caught lying. Not to mention, if the someone you are lying to is risking their own finances, job and personal business in order to help you and sort things out - it is absolutely disrespectful to continue the shenanigans.

Now, what happens when people suck other people (outside the relationship or situation) into the lies. They seek other people to lie to so they will give them a sense of comfort in making up for their own condemnation of wrong-doing that they have caused in another area. They gain a sense of comfort by then lying to someone else about the fact that they lied to you. This not only makes them look innocent and gives them a sense of self-worth, it makes you look retarded and also causes those people to cast a negative outlook on you: the very person who was trying (and did) help all along. This is a huge negative quality in someone, or what I like to call, a 'red flag'. No matter how you think about it or how much you try and sort it out, it is what it is. Other people they begin to speak to soon start forming negative opinions about you for no God-given reason at all based on their elaborative story they are telling. Every time they speak on the matter, they look illiterate and oblivious to what really happened. And most of the time, the person being thought negatively of should be thanked, and appreciated for what they've done. They are actually fighting you tooth and nail in order to bring some kind of justification to themselves about how they are a dishonest person. And what is funny is, deep down, they know the truth.

You never truly know someone or how they truly are. So next time someone 'TELLS' you something about someone, try not to be sassy about them without either finding out the truth, or giving the one-sided story you were told, the benefit of the doubt. Because 9 times out of 10, you are talking out the side of your face and looking very, very bad.

Lies are deceitful; that's no secret. And it's not wrong for someone to walk away simply because they cannot help with an issue for lack of receiving the truth. Anyone would be smart enough to know this.

A faithful witness will not lie: but a false witness will utter lies.

Proverbs 14:5

Lucky Girl in an OCD World

Hooked on hand sanitizer? Lip Chap? Do you iron ev-er-y-thing? Is your closet organized to a T? Ahhh, "no worries", they say, "Quirks like those can usually be chalked up to personality or preference." But are they really? In some cases, I believe they may point to a more serious issue liiiiiike the infamous obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Which issssssss commonly known as a condition marked by obsessive thoughts and compulsions that only really affect about 1% of U.S. adults.

Whether you're a Washer, Checker, Doubter, Re-Doer, Counter, Arranger or Hoarder: I believe we all share the same anxiety! So all you non-OCDers out there; let's get level.

The Behavior Checker

Imagine that feeling you get when you have that lingering song stuck in your head. It's pretty much torture in your world. Well, imagine, instead of that song replaying that same line over and over again, you feel the urge to get out of bed and check the oven 3, 4, or even 20 times to make sure it's off. While you pass back by the front door after check #7, the front door lock check has now been added to the oven check. As you walk down the hall to go back to bed, you realize that when you vacuumed yesterday, you must have either A) didn't get the hallway good enough or B) it's time to vacuum again. As you begin to vacuum (really quick because it's late and past time for bed), you realize that the vacuum cleaner is making your place smell like dust and burnt soot. So after you vacuum, you turn on your Scensy...of course, this calls for decision-making on a new scent. So cleaning out the original wax is a must, then after replacing, done! There. Every problem is solved.

Until...you crawl back in bed and start worrying that that one Scensy you bought may be the very one that is defective, and if you leave it on over night, it will cause a power surge and catch fire. Or, maybe switching to a new scent while you sleep may mess with your sinuses. So maybe I should either turn it off or take meds...? Should I really go on? Because there have been times, I have attempted to hit the sack at 8pm, and didn't quite make it there until around midnight. The obsessive part of the OCD is the worst. The intrusive, unwanted, disturbing thoughts that just will-not-go-away have sometimes drove me to drinking...literally.

The Organizer

I admit - sometimes I take organizing to the level of perfectionism. It has to feel just right. It has to look just right. Everything has to be symmetrical, in the right genre and be the right number. I can honestly say, my fussiness with my safe-haven (home) is often times - ok all the time - driven by obsessions about order and symmetry.

There are people who are perfectionist control freaks. And truth be told, they love every meticulously planned minute of it (I think I would throw myself also in this particular category at different times). There is also a clinical diagnosis for that as well: obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. OCPD is where the 'being neat' aspect comes in at. It's like OCD without the anxiety and fear of getting hurt or dying.

Fears of Violence

I really don't like to talk about this one. Everybody has fleeting thoughts about the possibility of being affected by violence or other misfortunes. But studies show, the more OCDers try to avoid thoughts like this, the more they pop into our heads. They say, we could be trying harder to suppress these thoughts, or that we react more intensely to them because we deem them as unacceptable acts. They constitute their popping up as prominent fears so often felt with the above statements...I'm not real sure what I think about this one yet. Meh.

The Counter

Then there's the counter. I'm not big on this one, but I have caught myself offering up vital numeric information in a conversation about something that happened prior to the discussion. It's not that I purposely counted whatever it was that I counted, it's just that I'm attentive when it comes to symmetry, which leads to odd verses even numbers, which eventually leads to seeing if something or some things are symmetrical. Hints the reason why I pretty much know all the time how many of what were where at a given time. I know, weird. Sorry.

The Washer

I've never had this ritual obsession - God I hope I never do!

I  like to think my own OCD/OCPD has been in check for a while now. I still do have tendencies -- while performing one task, I notice another needing to be done, then another then another. Then before I know it, I'm clogging old nail holes in my walls with white toothpaste at an attempt to at least make the black dots not seem so noticeable on the tan wall. I obsess over details, almost reach death when I don't have my lip chap with me, and worry about stupid crap that matters none. Still, it's way better than it was!

I hear a lot of people say, "Omg I'm so OCD!" Then you find that they are actually just among that group we OCDers like to call, "quirky". Let's be clear: If you regularly check your pockets to confirm that you still have your car keys, or if you prefer your sandwiches with the crust cut off, or if you only eat pink Starbursts, you're not suffering from OCD. Trust me. Those are just quirks, and also -- the pink Starburst are obviously the best, I might add! People like quirks when they're cute, fun, and harmless. But when they start taking over your emotions and physically effecting you when they trigger, people just think you're crazy. Sometimes you start believing it yourself. You'll be standing in your bathroom at three in the morning, painting your toenails or plucking your eyebrows because it's going to be a pretty day Saturday and you want to wear those open-toed sandals. So you've been awake for hours wondering if you were going to have time to do it between now and Friday, which is still 4 days away, but still. Who knows if there will be a zombie apocalypse between now and then - there won't be time to do it. You aren't able to stop, but at the same time, you know what you're doing is absolutely crazy.

I have been told (or I think I read somewhere) that people with OCD and personality disorders usually think they are always in the right. So hey! That pretty much sums up why I think I'm always right!! But actually, one of the defining aspects of OCD is knowing that your thoughts and actions are completely bizarre and that your rituals (no matter why) are completely senseless. I mean, I don't even get any joy, excitement or fulfillment out of my compulsions. It actually just stresses me out even more at the end of my ritual. Do I get relief? Sure, but it's only temporary, like scratching a mosquito bite or poison ivy. I don't want to touch all the stuff on the shelves in the store as I pass by, but I have to.

10 Things Your Single Friends Are Tired Of Hearing

So, I came across this written by some other genius, but because of her awesome language, I decided to re-state a couple (a lot) of sentences. Although, if I knew the majority of my Facebook friends would just read it as what it is and not get offended at the language, I would have just shared. So, in a much less-fun way of saying everything, here goes.

Ever think about the random things your friends/family say to you to try and cheer you up when you get on the subject of relationships and I dunno, why you aren't currently in one? Well, here are 10 things you (the friend/family member in the so-called "happy" relationship) should probably refrain from saying. Because I cannot agree more!

1. “You will find it when you aren’t looking!”

This is typically where your advice starts.  'It’ll come along when you least expect it,' is also 'You’ll find it when you aren’t looking‘s retarded little sister.  You can all just go jump off a bridge somewhere after you say this to anyone who is single.  This is a ridiculous statement.  We’re programmed to look for it - It’s in our genetic makeup and all that scientifick-y shit.  That’s like saying, 'hey, you know that dream career you want?  Screw working at it - It’ll happen when you least expect it.  One day you’ll be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a CEO.  And it’ll be success after success for years after, but don’t work for it or anything like that.  Just maybe chill out on this couch.  It’ll come to you...'  You need to stop telling us not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have been times I have been looking for an ink pen and instead, some serendipitous moron comes along that I thought could have been Prince Charming (but turned out instead to be Prince suckface,) and there have been days and times and months and years where I wasn’t looking for it, and guess what came along?  A jar of Nutella and a few bananas between some slices of white bread.

2. “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”

This is true.  BUT there are those of us who ARE actually happy with who we are at this point and time. BRO. I’m happy with myself.  I’m so freakin' happy with myself, I actually wake up every morning and brush my teeth with rainbows after I piss excellence and wash my face with glory.  Seriously though, 'finding yourself' is a process in life, and I don’t think you’re ever really 'done,' per se.  Am I completely different person than I was in college?  Sure.  Have I gone through a ton of real world shit that has changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more independent, and a shitload more of a catch?  Yes.  Am I happy with myself?  Yes.  Will I continue to grow and change and all that shit that humans do until they die?  Yes.  Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need someone in our lives to dote on us and make us happier, it’s that we’re finally happy and we want someone to share that with.  Also, a lot of you 'happy' people in relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate yourselves.  The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within thirty seconds after a text followed by a shitfit may not be the best proof surrounding your statement.  Try again.

3. “You’re still young, you have all the time in the world.”

You’re still freakin' annoying.  We don’t give a crap how old we are.  Age isn’t really what we’re complaining about.  And although many of us are young, we still have examples of people who are old and alone every day.  And that’s terrifying.  So your logic is moot.  Also, don’t call me “kid” at the end of that statement.  If you’re older than me, and you add a 'kid' onto the end in a sort of 'endearing' way, I will legit find a way to light you and your family on fire.

4. “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”

Hey stupid, I couldn’t agree more.  Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times, it makes me feel like you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that no one has come along yet. You could list off a million reasons why I’m worth all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and I would be on your page a hundred percent.  As a matter of fact, I would have written more pages after we were both done being on your page, so that we could also be on those pages as well.  So now that I know what I deserve, what clever thing do you have to say that will make me feel better about the fact that the universe has decided to hold out on giving me that wonderful person who will give me the things I deserve?

5. “You’re looking in the wrong places.”

This one’s particularly good.  Because then I get to ask the follow up question: 'then please tell me where I should be looking.' Tell me more about this magical land that you found YOUR significant other?  OH, was it WORK?  Or was it at the GYM?  Or were you SET UP?  Please tell me, because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience in the past with someone from each place you say is this 'right' place to look.  You shitheads seem to think all of us single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry the first thing that buys us a round of shots.  Just because I go to bars occasionally does not mean I have a belief I’m going to meet the man I’m going to marry in a Cabo Cantina.  Consider that sometimes we just want some vodka to shoot and loud music to dance to.  You know, to drown out your shitty dating advice.

6. ”You should try online dating!”

And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit into an oven.  Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with direct messaging and a few more pictures of Carl’s body after a workout.  OKCupid, Match.com, Christianmingle (WHY GOD? WHY?) all of these sites are probably the worst place to find real love.  I don't believe love isn’t something that you should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to find.  It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my opinion. I’m not knocking it, but there’s no way I’m setting up an online profile for the likes of James, the recently divorced father of three, and Tucker -  the obsessive college junior with a wandering eye...I’ll be at the bar.

7. "You’re too picky.” 

Oh, I'm sorry.  Please, lead me to your lair of Meatloaf look-a-likes and Frankenstein’s with kind hearts.  Let’s be clear, I’m not picky, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t end up with some cheating half-ass, who is a closeted alcoholic or sex-fean, disrespects me and has enough emotional baggage to figuratively crash a 747.

8. “Oh hey - but also, never settle.”

I don’t even have anything to say for this.  There’s too much rage from number 7.

9) “You need to put yourself out there more.”

Unless I need to be naked on the corner of Santa Monica Blvd., cooking brownies, making sandwiches, throwing paychecks in the air and simultaneously holding twins, I think I’m doing a pretty good job.  But hey, if you have any more advice on REALLY putting myself out there, let me know.  Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the world just isn’t enough.

10) “I’m Engaged!”

Ok, just insert a photo of me flipping you off and wanting you to die a cruel death.

Life's Struggle with Resentment

Ahhh, holding grudges...it comes so natural, why not? That friend who betrayed you. That driver who cut you off at the light. The boyfriend or girlfriend who left you without an explanation or any closure at all. Or even a loved one who acted out too sudden and unintentionally hurt you to the core. Maybe this has happened recently, and feelings of regret and resentment are fresh enough that it still stings to think about it. The struggle to overcome these feelings and painful memories has consumed me. So what else to do but blog about it; about one of the biggest tests I've been faced with recently and how I'm coping with punching resentment and anger in the face when it knocks on my door.

I recently received an abrasive and matter-of-fact email response from someone falsely accusing me of several things on a personal level. I was shocked in that, the way this person saw the situation was so inaccurate, that it was embarrassing. I was extremely hurt in that, so much time had built up prior to me finding out their true feelings, their resentment and hatred towards me was obviously now at such a high level, there was no room for anger to set up on my end - it was pure hurt.

After processing what was written, the “Cave Woman” in me jumped out, and my first instinct was to write something hurtful back to them, in an act of self defense. However, my second instinct was to begin giving them a list of reasons why they were completely off target, in an attempt to refute their false accusations, change their way of viewing me, make them feel ashamed and ultimately, defend my own ego.

In the end, my rational self knew that doing either of the 2 things above would only trigger more negativity within myself, so I chose not to respond at all. I woke the next morning, many weeks-even months later with a gut-wrenching feeling, sick to my stomach, and with multiple defensive thoughts running through my head. It was like a dark cloud hovering over me - like I had let one of the most important people in my life down with no chance of fixing it or turning back. Thoughts of extreme hurt and even retaliation had been dancing around in my head in what seemed to be a never-ending cycle; I couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling. Even though I knew I was getting nowhere by feeling upset, annoyed, and wronged, it felt impossible to control these thoughts and to not be bothered by them constantly. I had been so respectable of this person and their family, and to be shoved to the outside in this way months before even being told anything was wrong was incredibly excruciating. I was sick. I knew I had to release this energy to set myself free, but I had no idea how to do it. Rationalizing to this person at this point seemed completely redundant, given the fact that while I was oblivious to there being a problem, they had stewed over their insinuation of the situation for months. I felt that even if I attempted to fix it, I questioned whether or not I even wanted this person back in my life. If they can turn on me this easily and write me off without even notifying me when there was a problem to sort it out, are they really worth fighting for? The person I felt I could talk to at the time was definitely not an option, seeing as they too were following on this exact same path. Others who I'd attempted to confide in only fueled my fire because they too were taken aback and appalled at the entire situation.

When I stop to think in depth about the concept of resentment and anger, the cause of my emotions and feelings always seem to revolve around my own ego and my mind’s attempt to protect it at all times. Just as there are stages of grief, I have found, there also seems to be stages leading to resentment - And it seems we all go through each stage until we hit our resentment point.

     • There is ego shock. When the feelings of shock, increased heart rate and anxiety set in. Physical
       changes even begin to happen. You suddenly feel the need to wonder WHY this person would
       feel like they can hurt you this badly. Your chest caves in. Your throat begins to hurt and you
       may break out in a cold sweat from worry.

     • Then comes the inner animal instinct.  Just when my ego was hurt, my inner cavewoman (or the

       Devil) wanted to jump out in attack mode and exchange hurt for hurt. Even though I knew that

       stooping to their level was not the classy or womanly thing to do, my cavewoman was still there;
       like an animal instinct acting in survival mode.

     • Then came the defense mode. In an attempt to defend my ego for having been wrongfully
       accused, my inner cavewoman somehow strategized a plan of defense and attack. This included

       a list of harmful things I could say back to this person, explaining how far from reality they were

       and how ashamed they would feel if given the truth.
     • Then came my infused anger. The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I

       fell into feelings of resentment for all the nice things I had done, said or put up with not just by
       this person, but from their family as well. Mainly, my resentment sat for all the respect I had
       given because of being taught all my life to give it no matter what. I had now developed feelings
       of anger and despair. And after acting upon every respectable standard my momma had
       taught me over the years, and after all the times I brushed off offensive comments and digs,
       I still displayed my respect and bit my tongue. After all the wrong-doings I had accepted in my
       own personal situation connected to them and their family, I was at an utter shock to have
       received this in return.

I have now realized, that being the bigger person in ANY situation is one of the hardest things you can do. And even though you may never get to speak your mind and "set the record straight", you realize that that may be the best thing for each party involved. Especially if setting the record straight may hurt or offend that person and cause grief and strife to them or their loved ones. You have to be big enough to accept the fact that exchanging hurt for hurt is not the Godly thing to do.

So, I have set out in an attempt to find my own technique for overcoming my resentment. I am not suggesting you suppress or deny these feelings, but instead, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that you are no longer guilty to those animal instincts that seem to want to hurl themselves at the neck of your accuser.

As hard as it may seem, even while we are experiencing anger towards someone, the keys to overcoming these emotions lie first in understanding and forgiveness. This seems redundant, since our instincts tell us to defend ourselves by hurting the other person. In addition to communicating, understanding gives us insight into what the other person is feeling and why. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically bring some peace to the emotional burden we’ve been carrying. And this will hopefully help ease some of the resentment part.

Before attempting to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our animal instincts. When we can step out of our inner animal, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner animal also; blinded by their own emotions and acting out. This is where talking and communicating is so very important. Whether the quarrel is with a family member or a significant other - without communication and talking it through, you will never succeed in any relationship with another. It is crucial - in fact, it is the core part of a relationship, any type of relationship. I have also found that the following are just as important:

Express Your Emotions.
THIS IS OK TO DO. Don't let anyone make you think or feel like you can not express how you feel. I have felt this way many times, and it was only because the other person just flat out did not care. Expressing how you feel is the ONLY way for people (who care) to understand you. Everyone needs to have the opportunity to fully express their emotions. This is not only the respectable thing to do, but it also allows you to understand where they are coming from and why they are acting the way they are. You owe it to them to be able to justify themselves.

Finding Peace.
This has been very hard for me to do. I'm trying to bring my attention to my own heart and focus on all the things I stand for. I catch myself pondering on the 'why's'; why do they treat me like this, why do they talk to me like this, why, why, why. And the only reason for it, is because I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that they are ok with making me feel the way I feel, because that doesn't come natural in me. I then have to force myself to focus on my core values and standards and how important they are to uphold. Once I realize I'm better than what I'm putting up with, it all makes logical sense as to why things are happening the way they are. I focus on all the times I put myself aside at the expense of someone's happiness, put forth effort just to see someone smile. This is the very thing I have noticed that sets me aside from most. I focus on everything I am grateful for in my life. I try to envision the people who truly care about me and love me unconditionally. And for a brief second, I experience the feelings of gratitude in my heart. This may not bring forgiveness for those who I feel have wronged me, but it is a start in being happy with myself and knowing that I am a selfless person in all areas, and I am not the way I'm being thought of and portrayed.

I am ultimately in control.
I try to remind myself that I am in control of my thoughts and actions. No matter what others cause me to feel, I am ultimately responsible for which ways the corners of my mouth turn. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. I try to remind myself of the thoughtful and responsible person that I am. When you begin to feel a certain way because someone did something disrespectful or hateful towards you, you have given them the power to control you. People do not disrespect and treat others bad for their own sake - they do it to see what it does to you. They push you to see how far they can go. Whether it's selfishness, greed or just disrespect that is instilled inside them - they do it out of spite to feel in control of you and what goes on. If you give them that power to control you by creating all of your emotions, that is the point where you have officially lost yourself. Take control of the situation on your end. Get out of it and run away if that isn't what you accept out of life. No one says it will be easy, but eventually if you don't take control yourself, someone else or something else will - and in the end, it will not go the way you planned it to anyway.

Understanding.
Once I am able to put that inner cavewoman instinct aside, I can objectively and maturely look at the situation for what it is. And sometimes, even though I cannot successfully seek understanding for what is causing the other person to act in this particular way, I try to remember that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. This should help me if and when the shoe is ever on the other foot. If someone doesn't care enough to find out the real story or situation, and they choose hatred towards you, then apparently they don't deserve who you are. There is always one who cares much more than the other, and at the end of the day, that is revealed. I have made myself a promise to take every negative or bad feeling that anyone has ever caused upon me, soak it up and promise myself to NEVER cause the same feelings upon anyone else. A lot of people do not consider this and never try to tame their inner animal instinct. Instead, some like to feed it. They thrive off of it for pleasure. This is something valuable I have learned that will hopefully contribute towards my own wellbeing and happiness in the upcoming future. Don't ever be the reason for someone's unhappiness. That's the Devil's job.

It seems as though, when people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but spread that negative energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, 9 times out of 10, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their own internal state of mind. It may even be triggered by something not even relevant to the current situation or point, and it is being taken out on you. Again, this is another reason why communication and sorting it out together is very important. If you are able to communicate, it is important to try and figure out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand (or convince yourself) that people, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner animal instinct cause them to act out in self-defense. <---very hard to grasp when there are people out there who do intentionally hurt others. But convincing the mind that they do not exist, makes for a healthy soul in the end.

I have learned that you have to accept that it is okay for them to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you, and according to them, their side of the story is the true one. But to save yourself from emotional turmoil, you must choose understanding; you must choose compassion no matter what they choose. Outside of that, stop worrying about it, and let them go. We cannot control other people’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with it.

I read a quote somewhere that said “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only person we are harming is OURSELVES. The goal here, is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our own lives. Life is too short to dwell on these things, or to dwell on other people’s opinions of us - especially when you know they are not accurate. Give yourself a break, and forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding, then walk away. I assure you, it will pay off in the end.

Lastly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for having those thoughts of retaliation, anger, resentment, hatred or regret. After all, someone put those feelings in your heart by hurting you. Let it go, let them go, and peace will flood your heart.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10