Lucky Girl in an OCD World

Hooked on hand sanitizer? Lip Chap? Do you iron ev-er-y-thing? Is your closet organized to a T? Ahhh, "no worries", they say, "Quirks like those can usually be chalked up to personality or preference." But are they really? In some cases, I believe they may point to a more serious issue liiiiiike the infamous obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Which issssssss commonly known as a condition marked by obsessive thoughts and compulsions that only really affect about 1% of U.S. adults.

Whether you're a Washer, Checker, Doubter, Re-Doer, Counter, Arranger or Hoarder: I believe we all share the same anxiety! So all you non-OCDers out there; let's get level.

The Behavior Checker

Imagine that feeling you get when you have that lingering song stuck in your head. It's pretty much torture in your world. Well, imagine, instead of that song replaying that same line over and over again, you feel the urge to get out of bed and check the oven 3, 4, or even 20 times to make sure it's off. While you pass back by the front door after check #7, the front door lock check has now been added to the oven check. As you walk down the hall to go back to bed, you realize that when you vacuumed yesterday, you must have either A) didn't get the hallway good enough or B) it's time to vacuum again. As you begin to vacuum (really quick because it's late and past time for bed), you realize that the vacuum cleaner is making your place smell like dust and burnt soot. So after you vacuum, you turn on your Scensy...of course, this calls for decision-making on a new scent. So cleaning out the original wax is a must, then after replacing, done! There. Every problem is solved.

Until...you crawl back in bed and start worrying that that one Scensy you bought may be the very one that is defective, and if you leave it on over night, it will cause a power surge and catch fire. Or, maybe switching to a new scent while you sleep may mess with your sinuses. So maybe I should either turn it off or take meds...? Should I really go on? Because there have been times, I have attempted to hit the sack at 8pm, and didn't quite make it there until around midnight. The obsessive part of the OCD is the worst. The intrusive, unwanted, disturbing thoughts that just will-not-go-away have sometimes drove me to drinking...literally.

The Organizer

I admit - sometimes I take organizing to the level of perfectionism. It has to feel just right. It has to look just right. Everything has to be symmetrical, in the right genre and be the right number. I can honestly say, my fussiness with my safe-haven (home) is often times - ok all the time - driven by obsessions about order and symmetry.

There are people who are perfectionist control freaks. And truth be told, they love every meticulously planned minute of it (I think I would throw myself also in this particular category at different times). There is also a clinical diagnosis for that as well: obsessive-compulsive personality disorder. OCPD is where the 'being neat' aspect comes in at. It's like OCD without the anxiety and fear of getting hurt or dying.

Fears of Violence

I really don't like to talk about this one. Everybody has fleeting thoughts about the possibility of being affected by violence or other misfortunes. But studies show, the more OCDers try to avoid thoughts like this, the more they pop into our heads. They say, we could be trying harder to suppress these thoughts, or that we react more intensely to them because we deem them as unacceptable acts. They constitute their popping up as prominent fears so often felt with the above statements...I'm not real sure what I think about this one yet. Meh.

The Counter

Then there's the counter. I'm not big on this one, but I have caught myself offering up vital numeric information in a conversation about something that happened prior to the discussion. It's not that I purposely counted whatever it was that I counted, it's just that I'm attentive when it comes to symmetry, which leads to odd verses even numbers, which eventually leads to seeing if something or some things are symmetrical. Hints the reason why I pretty much know all the time how many of what were where at a given time. I know, weird. Sorry.

The Washer

I've never had this ritual obsession - God I hope I never do!

I  like to think my own OCD/OCPD has been in check for a while now. I still do have tendencies -- while performing one task, I notice another needing to be done, then another then another. Then before I know it, I'm clogging old nail holes in my walls with white toothpaste at an attempt to at least make the black dots not seem so noticeable on the tan wall. I obsess over details, almost reach death when I don't have my lip chap with me, and worry about stupid crap that matters none. Still, it's way better than it was!

I hear a lot of people say, "Omg I'm so OCD!" Then you find that they are actually just among that group we OCDers like to call, "quirky". Let's be clear: If you regularly check your pockets to confirm that you still have your car keys, or if you prefer your sandwiches with the crust cut off, or if you only eat pink Starbursts, you're not suffering from OCD. Trust me. Those are just quirks, and also -- the pink Starburst are obviously the best, I might add! People like quirks when they're cute, fun, and harmless. But when they start taking over your emotions and physically effecting you when they trigger, people just think you're crazy. Sometimes you start believing it yourself. You'll be standing in your bathroom at three in the morning, painting your toenails or plucking your eyebrows because it's going to be a pretty day Saturday and you want to wear those open-toed sandals. So you've been awake for hours wondering if you were going to have time to do it between now and Friday, which is still 4 days away, but still. Who knows if there will be a zombie apocalypse between now and then - there won't be time to do it. You aren't able to stop, but at the same time, you know what you're doing is absolutely crazy.

I have been told (or I think I read somewhere) that people with OCD and personality disorders usually think they are always in the right. So hey! That pretty much sums up why I think I'm always right!! But actually, one of the defining aspects of OCD is knowing that your thoughts and actions are completely bizarre and that your rituals (no matter why) are completely senseless. I mean, I don't even get any joy, excitement or fulfillment out of my compulsions. It actually just stresses me out even more at the end of my ritual. Do I get relief? Sure, but it's only temporary, like scratching a mosquito bite or poison ivy. I don't want to touch all the stuff on the shelves in the store as I pass by, but I have to.

10 Things Your Single Friends Are Tired Of Hearing

So, I came across this written by some other genius, but because of her awesome language, I decided to re-state a couple (a lot) of sentences. Although, if I knew the majority of my Facebook friends would just read it as what it is and not get offended at the language, I would have just shared. So, in a much less-fun way of saying everything, here goes.

Ever think about the random things your friends/family say to you to try and cheer you up when you get on the subject of relationships and I dunno, why you aren't currently in one? Well, here are 10 things you (the friend/family member in the so-called "happy" relationship) should probably refrain from saying. Because I cannot agree more!

1. “You will find it when you aren’t looking!”

This is typically where your advice starts.  'It’ll come along when you least expect it,' is also 'You’ll find it when you aren’t looking‘s retarded little sister.  You can all just go jump off a bridge somewhere after you say this to anyone who is single.  This is a ridiculous statement.  We’re programmed to look for it - It’s in our genetic makeup and all that scientifick-y shit.  That’s like saying, 'hey, you know that dream career you want?  Screw working at it - It’ll happen when you least expect it.  One day you’ll be walking down the street and BAM you’ll be a CEO.  And it’ll be success after success for years after, but don’t work for it or anything like that.  Just maybe chill out on this couch.  It’ll come to you...'  You need to stop telling us not to look for it, because let me tell you something, there have been times I have been looking for an ink pen and instead, some serendipitous moron comes along that I thought could have been Prince Charming (but turned out instead to be Prince suckface,) and there have been days and times and months and years where I wasn’t looking for it, and guess what came along?  A jar of Nutella and a few bananas between some slices of white bread.

2. “You can’t be happy in a relationship unless you’re happy with yourself first.”

This is true.  BUT there are those of us who ARE actually happy with who we are at this point and time. BRO. I’m happy with myself.  I’m so freakin' happy with myself, I actually wake up every morning and brush my teeth with rainbows after I piss excellence and wash my face with glory.  Seriously though, 'finding yourself' is a process in life, and I don’t think you’re ever really 'done,' per se.  Am I completely different person than I was in college?  Sure.  Have I gone through a ton of real world shit that has changed my outlook and made me stronger, happier, more independent, and a shitload more of a catch?  Yes.  Am I happy with myself?  Yes.  Will I continue to grow and change and all that shit that humans do until they die?  Yes.  Consider that it’s not that all of us happy single people need someone in our lives to dote on us and make us happier, it’s that we’re finally happy and we want someone to share that with.  Also, a lot of you 'happy' people in relationships seem like you need to have a few weeks on your own to evaluate yourselves.  The incessant need for your boyfriend to text you back within thirty seconds after a text followed by a shitfit may not be the best proof surrounding your statement.  Try again.

3. “You’re still young, you have all the time in the world.”

You’re still freakin' annoying.  We don’t give a crap how old we are.  Age isn’t really what we’re complaining about.  And although many of us are young, we still have examples of people who are old and alone every day.  And that’s terrifying.  So your logic is moot.  Also, don’t call me “kid” at the end of that statement.  If you’re older than me, and you add a 'kid' onto the end in a sort of 'endearing' way, I will legit find a way to light you and your family on fire.

4. “You deserve someone who wants to give you everything.”

Hey stupid, I couldn’t agree more.  Actually after hearing this a couple dozen times, it makes me feel like you’re just saying it to avoid the conversation about how depressing it is that no one has come along yet. You could list off a million reasons why I’m worth all the love and unicorns and mermaids in the world, and I would be on your page a hundred percent.  As a matter of fact, I would have written more pages after we were both done being on your page, so that we could also be on those pages as well.  So now that I know what I deserve, what clever thing do you have to say that will make me feel better about the fact that the universe has decided to hold out on giving me that wonderful person who will give me the things I deserve?

5. “You’re looking in the wrong places.”

This one’s particularly good.  Because then I get to ask the follow up question: 'then please tell me where I should be looking.' Tell me more about this magical land that you found YOUR significant other?  OH, was it WORK?  Or was it at the GYM?  Or were you SET UP?  Please tell me, because I guarantee, I have had some type of dating experience in the past with someone from each place you say is this 'right' place to look.  You shitheads seem to think all of us single people just go out to bars and get trashed and try to marry the first thing that buys us a round of shots.  Just because I go to bars occasionally does not mean I have a belief I’m going to meet the man I’m going to marry in a Cabo Cantina.  Consider that sometimes we just want some vodka to shoot and loud music to dance to.  You know, to drown out your shitty dating advice.

6. ”You should try online dating!”

And you should try seeing how much of your head you can fit into an oven.  Internet dating is essentially Craigslist missed connections with direct messaging and a few more pictures of Carl’s body after a workout.  OKCupid, Match.com, Christianmingle (WHY GOD? WHY?) all of these sites are probably the worst place to find real love.  I don't believe love isn’t something that you should have to read manifestos and “6 things I can’t live without” sections to find.  It’s probably one of the most inorganic ways to find someone, in my opinion. I’m not knocking it, but there’s no way I’m setting up an online profile for the likes of James, the recently divorced father of three, and Tucker -  the obsessive college junior with a wandering eye...I’ll be at the bar.

7. "You’re too picky.” 

Oh, I'm sorry.  Please, lead me to your lair of Meatloaf look-a-likes and Frankenstein’s with kind hearts.  Let’s be clear, I’m not picky, I’m just trying to make sure I don’t end up with some cheating half-ass, who is a closeted alcoholic or sex-fean, disrespects me and has enough emotional baggage to figuratively crash a 747.

8. “Oh hey - but also, never settle.”

I don’t even have anything to say for this.  There’s too much rage from number 7.

9) “You need to put yourself out there more.”

Unless I need to be naked on the corner of Santa Monica Blvd., cooking brownies, making sandwiches, throwing paychecks in the air and simultaneously holding twins, I think I’m doing a pretty good job.  But hey, if you have any more advice on REALLY putting myself out there, let me know.  Maybe existing as a human being and going places and meeting people in the world just isn’t enough.

10) “I’m Engaged!”

Ok, just insert a photo of me flipping you off and wanting you to die a cruel death.

Life's Struggle with Resentment

Ahhh, holding grudges...it comes so natural, why not? That friend who betrayed you. That driver who cut you off at the light. The boyfriend or girlfriend who left you without an explanation or any closure at all. Or even a loved one who acted out too sudden and unintentionally hurt you to the core. Maybe this has happened recently, and feelings of regret and resentment are fresh enough that it still stings to think about it. The struggle to overcome these feelings and painful memories has consumed me. So what else to do but blog about it; about one of the biggest tests I've been faced with recently and how I'm coping with punching resentment and anger in the face when it knocks on my door.

I recently received an abrasive and matter-of-fact email response from someone falsely accusing me of several things on a personal level. I was shocked in that, the way this person saw the situation was so inaccurate, that it was embarrassing. I was extremely hurt in that, so much time had built up prior to me finding out their true feelings, their resentment and hatred towards me was obviously now at such a high level, there was no room for anger to set up on my end - it was pure hurt.

After processing what was written, the “Cave Woman” in me jumped out, and my first instinct was to write something hurtful back to them, in an act of self defense. However, my second instinct was to begin giving them a list of reasons why they were completely off target, in an attempt to refute their false accusations, change their way of viewing me, make them feel ashamed and ultimately, defend my own ego.

In the end, my rational self knew that doing either of the 2 things above would only trigger more negativity within myself, so I chose not to respond at all. I woke the next morning, many weeks-even months later with a gut-wrenching feeling, sick to my stomach, and with multiple defensive thoughts running through my head. It was like a dark cloud hovering over me - like I had let one of the most important people in my life down with no chance of fixing it or turning back. Thoughts of extreme hurt and even retaliation had been dancing around in my head in what seemed to be a never-ending cycle; I couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling. Even though I knew I was getting nowhere by feeling upset, annoyed, and wronged, it felt impossible to control these thoughts and to not be bothered by them constantly. I had been so respectable of this person and their family, and to be shoved to the outside in this way months before even being told anything was wrong was incredibly excruciating. I was sick. I knew I had to release this energy to set myself free, but I had no idea how to do it. Rationalizing to this person at this point seemed completely redundant, given the fact that while I was oblivious to there being a problem, they had stewed over their insinuation of the situation for months. I felt that even if I attempted to fix it, I questioned whether or not I even wanted this person back in my life. If they can turn on me this easily and write me off without even notifying me when there was a problem to sort it out, are they really worth fighting for? The person I felt I could talk to at the time was definitely not an option, seeing as they too were following on this exact same path. Others who I'd attempted to confide in only fueled my fire because they too were taken aback and appalled at the entire situation.

When I stop to think in depth about the concept of resentment and anger, the cause of my emotions and feelings always seem to revolve around my own ego and my mind’s attempt to protect it at all times. Just as there are stages of grief, I have found, there also seems to be stages leading to resentment - And it seems we all go through each stage until we hit our resentment point.

     • There is ego shock. When the feelings of shock, increased heart rate and anxiety set in. Physical
       changes even begin to happen. You suddenly feel the need to wonder WHY this person would
       feel like they can hurt you this badly. Your chest caves in. Your throat begins to hurt and you
       may break out in a cold sweat from worry.

     • Then comes the inner animal instinct.  Just when my ego was hurt, my inner cavewoman (or the

       Devil) wanted to jump out in attack mode and exchange hurt for hurt. Even though I knew that

       stooping to their level was not the classy or womanly thing to do, my cavewoman was still there;
       like an animal instinct acting in survival mode.

     • Then came the defense mode. In an attempt to defend my ego for having been wrongfully
       accused, my inner cavewoman somehow strategized a plan of defense and attack. This included

       a list of harmful things I could say back to this person, explaining how far from reality they were

       and how ashamed they would feel if given the truth.
     • Then came my infused anger. The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I

       fell into feelings of resentment for all the nice things I had done, said or put up with not just by
       this person, but from their family as well. Mainly, my resentment sat for all the respect I had
       given because of being taught all my life to give it no matter what. I had now developed feelings
       of anger and despair. And after acting upon every respectable standard my momma had
       taught me over the years, and after all the times I brushed off offensive comments and digs,
       I still displayed my respect and bit my tongue. After all the wrong-doings I had accepted in my
       own personal situation connected to them and their family, I was at an utter shock to have
       received this in return.

I have now realized, that being the bigger person in ANY situation is one of the hardest things you can do. And even though you may never get to speak your mind and "set the record straight", you realize that that may be the best thing for each party involved. Especially if setting the record straight may hurt or offend that person and cause grief and strife to them or their loved ones. You have to be big enough to accept the fact that exchanging hurt for hurt is not the Godly thing to do.

So, I have set out in an attempt to find my own technique for overcoming my resentment. I am not suggesting you suppress or deny these feelings, but instead, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that you are no longer guilty to those animal instincts that seem to want to hurl themselves at the neck of your accuser.

As hard as it may seem, even while we are experiencing anger towards someone, the keys to overcoming these emotions lie first in understanding and forgiveness. This seems redundant, since our instincts tell us to defend ourselves by hurting the other person. In addition to communicating, understanding gives us insight into what the other person is feeling and why. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically bring some peace to the emotional burden we’ve been carrying. And this will hopefully help ease some of the resentment part.

Before attempting to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our animal instincts. When we can step out of our inner animal, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner animal also; blinded by their own emotions and acting out. This is where talking and communicating is so very important. Whether the quarrel is with a family member or a significant other - without communication and talking it through, you will never succeed in any relationship with another. It is crucial - in fact, it is the core part of a relationship, any type of relationship. I have also found that the following are just as important:

Express Your Emotions.
THIS IS OK TO DO. Don't let anyone make you think or feel like you can not express how you feel. I have felt this way many times, and it was only because the other person just flat out did not care. Expressing how you feel is the ONLY way for people (who care) to understand you. Everyone needs to have the opportunity to fully express their emotions. This is not only the respectable thing to do, but it also allows you to understand where they are coming from and why they are acting the way they are. You owe it to them to be able to justify themselves.

Finding Peace.
This has been very hard for me to do. I'm trying to bring my attention to my own heart and focus on all the things I stand for. I catch myself pondering on the 'why's'; why do they treat me like this, why do they talk to me like this, why, why, why. And the only reason for it, is because I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that they are ok with making me feel the way I feel, because that doesn't come natural in me. I then have to force myself to focus on my core values and standards and how important they are to uphold. Once I realize I'm better than what I'm putting up with, it all makes logical sense as to why things are happening the way they are. I focus on all the times I put myself aside at the expense of someone's happiness, put forth effort just to see someone smile. This is the very thing I have noticed that sets me aside from most. I focus on everything I am grateful for in my life. I try to envision the people who truly care about me and love me unconditionally. And for a brief second, I experience the feelings of gratitude in my heart. This may not bring forgiveness for those who I feel have wronged me, but it is a start in being happy with myself and knowing that I am a selfless person in all areas, and I am not the way I'm being thought of and portrayed.

I am ultimately in control.
I try to remind myself that I am in control of my thoughts and actions. No matter what others cause me to feel, I am ultimately responsible for which ways the corners of my mouth turn. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. I try to remind myself of the thoughtful and responsible person that I am. When you begin to feel a certain way because someone did something disrespectful or hateful towards you, you have given them the power to control you. People do not disrespect and treat others bad for their own sake - they do it to see what it does to you. They push you to see how far they can go. Whether it's selfishness, greed or just disrespect that is instilled inside them - they do it out of spite to feel in control of you and what goes on. If you give them that power to control you by creating all of your emotions, that is the point where you have officially lost yourself. Take control of the situation on your end. Get out of it and run away if that isn't what you accept out of life. No one says it will be easy, but eventually if you don't take control yourself, someone else or something else will - and in the end, it will not go the way you planned it to anyway.

Understanding.
Once I am able to put that inner cavewoman instinct aside, I can objectively and maturely look at the situation for what it is. And sometimes, even though I cannot successfully seek understanding for what is causing the other person to act in this particular way, I try to remember that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. This should help me if and when the shoe is ever on the other foot. If someone doesn't care enough to find out the real story or situation, and they choose hatred towards you, then apparently they don't deserve who you are. There is always one who cares much more than the other, and at the end of the day, that is revealed. I have made myself a promise to take every negative or bad feeling that anyone has ever caused upon me, soak it up and promise myself to NEVER cause the same feelings upon anyone else. A lot of people do not consider this and never try to tame their inner animal instinct. Instead, some like to feed it. They thrive off of it for pleasure. This is something valuable I have learned that will hopefully contribute towards my own wellbeing and happiness in the upcoming future. Don't ever be the reason for someone's unhappiness. That's the Devil's job.

It seems as though, when people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but spread that negative energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, 9 times out of 10, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their own internal state of mind. It may even be triggered by something not even relevant to the current situation or point, and it is being taken out on you. Again, this is another reason why communication and sorting it out together is very important. If you are able to communicate, it is important to try and figure out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand (or convince yourself) that people, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner animal instinct cause them to act out in self-defense. <---very hard to grasp when there are people out there who do intentionally hurt others. But convincing the mind that they do not exist, makes for a healthy soul in the end.

I have learned that you have to accept that it is okay for them to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you, and according to them, their side of the story is the true one. But to save yourself from emotional turmoil, you must choose understanding; you must choose compassion no matter what they choose. Outside of that, stop worrying about it, and let them go. We cannot control other people’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with it.

I read a quote somewhere that said “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only person we are harming is OURSELVES. The goal here, is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our own lives. Life is too short to dwell on these things, or to dwell on other people’s opinions of us - especially when you know they are not accurate. Give yourself a break, and forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding, then walk away. I assure you, it will pay off in the end.

Lastly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for having those thoughts of retaliation, anger, resentment, hatred or regret. After all, someone put those feelings in your heart by hurting you. Let it go, let them go, and peace will flood your heart.

And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

1 Peter 5:10

My Daily Devotion: Handling Today's Challenges

 

Today's Step: Make your prayer life even more effective.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Today will come with its challenges; that is simply part of life. Some days have more challenges than others; however, each day we find opportunities to grow forward in our faith, or to shrink back in frustration.

When you stop to intentionally fill your heart and mind with the knowledge of your great God, as well as all the resources He offers, you will feel a shift happen in your soul. Choosing this focus will cause your heart to rejoice and will lead you to pray in greater faith and trust that He is able to do immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine.

Such a focus on God will also lead to an attitude of thanksgiving in our hearts. Thankfulness changes the way we see, and the way we walk.

Father God, today I want to go step-by-step through my day with my heart rejoicing because You are in my life; I want to pray with complete trust, knowing that You will guide me; and, I want to walk with gratitude and thanksgiving. Please fill me with Your Holy Spirit and enable me to grow through my challenges today. Thank you for Your constant love and presence in my life. In Jesus’ name I pray, amen.

Questions: Do you take time to intentionally learn about the character of God so as to fill your mind and heart with the knowledge of His greatness? How has this affected your ability to give thanks in trying circumstances? Do you believe it is possible to “rejoice always”?

Become a Prayer Mentor: If you know God and can send an email, you're qualified.

“Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to You to hide me. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.” (Psalm 143:9-10)

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer lately. Maybe it’s because I need prayer like I’ve never needed it before – well actually I’ve always need it. But it just seems like prayer has taken the forefront of my mind and heart recently. But it hasn’t always been this way for me.

To be honest, I have wrestled a lot with prayer.

*Why does God want us to pray when He knows what we need even better than we know it ourselves?

*What good does my prayer even do? Who am I to change God’s mind or challenge Him on His ideas?

*How do I know that I am praying “in God’s Will”? Can anyone really know the will of God?

These and other questions have done battle in my mind as I’ve tried to work out this idea of prayer. It seems like prayer comes so naturally to some people. They have no trouble praying “without ceasing”. But me, well it seems like I’ve always struggled.

But as I’ve grappled with this, I come to realize that it’s not about my questions but more about my heart. And I’ve allowed my questions to hinder my pursuit of prayer. Prayer is a conversation with my Heavenly Father. Prayer is pouring out my heart to Him. It’s declaring my frailness and His strength, my simplemindedness and His wisdom, my need and His provision.

Prayer is a place of humility. Prayer admits that we NEED God, that we are DEPENDENT on Him, that we CANNOT do it without Him. Just as a loyal citizen kneels before their king to declare their submission to his decisions, laws and judgments, we proclaim the same thing when we pray. Turning to God in prayer for guidance and help declares that, “He is God and we are not.” It’s our way of surrendering to His ways, His work and His will for our lives.

In Psalm 143:9-10 David declares his dependence to the KING, “Let me hear of Your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting You. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to You. Rescue me from my enemies, Lord; I run to You to hide me. Teach me to do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.” (NLT, emphasis mine)

In these verses it’s easy to see David’s posture in His prayer. He is kneeling before his King offering his trust, asking for guidance and surrendering to His leading.

Do you struggle with prayer? Have you come to God with pride in your heart? Maybe you’re kneeling on the outside but not on the inside? Whatever it may be, I encourage you to let go and turn to the One who is ready and waiting to hear from you.

Lord, I pray that you would humble me under Your mighty power and I trust that at the right time You will lift me up in honor. I give You all my worries and cares because I know You care about me. (1 Peter 5:6-7) Amen

Relationship Soup for the Soul

Let me just start out by saying, I am NO relationship expert. Everything I believe, think and live by in my relationship is based strictly on experience; as I have been told it is the best teacher. I like to still consider myself as a young, vibrant woman, but wise beyond my years, and I tend to learn very quickly. My relationship experiences have taught me a great deal, and I have learned through the years what not to do to someone else, given the pain I have felt because of a specific action.

As young people, I believe our relationships tend to falter because one tends to have little to no respect for the other. I believe this stems from the fact that either we aren’t in tune to exactly what a good relationship requires and consists of, or maybe because our parents never had it, or because we're too immature on our relationship-road to understand our feelings or emotions when it comes to involving another person. I get so tired of people getting in potentially great relationships, gaining everything there is to gain from another person, then ruining it simply because they do not and will not listen to what the other person needs in order for both to be happy and to make the relationship-seal a happy bond. I have racked my brain over and over trying to break the confusion I have over this concept, and all I can figure is that it’s simply because the person just doesn't want to try any harder beyond their normal capability. Now - I will steer clear from mentioning infidelity in this blog, because as important as a topic as it is these days, I can see my ‘positive and informational’ blog suddenly turning negative, deceitful and bashing and I would never want to stoop the level of revealing my list of ex-boyfriend’s names publically on my blog/Facebook; especially when it would be calling them out on such a disgusting act of nasty, hurtful -- Okay see, there I go already...

So, first things first, I don’t care what you say: men and women are not that much different from each other. Our similarities include, but are not limited to, the fact that we all demand respect, attention, openness, faithfulness, and honesty. We all have our days where we need our space, and we all have our days where we need our significant other to counsel us. Which brings me to my main focus: For those of you who down-right suck when it comes to acknowledgement, respect, or even making someone smile for no reason by going slightly out of your way to do so, here are a few absolute musts to go by. Or mark my word, your relationship is doomed...seriously.

1.  You must first be friends - best friends.
You want an open relationship? Then you have to be open. The person you are with should know your true self if you want it to last. This person should know what makes you laugh, smile, and what pisses you off to no end. This means you should be silly together; talk about anything - even the stupid things. You should be able to act consistent around each other; meaning the same way you act with your home-girls or home-boys, you should act around them. Even if neither of you have much in common, as long as you are friends, it will not matter.

2.  Respect one another.
I have found that by assessing others, this little tip seems to be one that is hard for young people, because most barely respect themselves. I feel that arguments are 100% necessary in order to have growth in a relationship. I feel that arguing is a main key point to a healthy relationship, as is knowing how to argue. Going for the jugular or under the belt is one of the biggest downfalls I see in a relationship...along with sidebars. (Have you ever been in an argument, and about 10 minutes into it, you find that the two of you are now arguing about something totally different than the main focal point problem?) I fall victim to this as well, but we must learn to respect each other, stay on target even through our anger, and strive to accomplish an agreement or sincere apology in the end. That means no name calling. No matter how large the disagreement, if you want to be with this person afterwards, you should not degrade them or say things to make them hurt just because you don't like what they are saying to you. And by all means, please - never get physical. You will create wounds that will never heal properly, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

3.  You have to be willing to compromise.
You are in a relationship - guess what, it isn't just about you. You have to take into account your partner’s feelings and emotions. Sometimes, you have to be willing to put yours on the back burner. Sacrifice something that won't hurt you if it is lost just for the sake and happiness of your relationship.  You will be surprised what type of impact it will have on your partner’s emotions, as well as the respect, gratitude and sexiness that comes along with it. Your partner's happiness should be number one in everything you do, and should be on the forefront of your mind if you want it to last.

4.  Be honest, truthful and open about everything when confronted.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is lie to a person who knows you better than you probably know yourself. Honey, they will find out. I can’t tell you readers exactly how, but it has been in my experience, that I am just that good…ha ha - just kidding. No, but for real - Whether it's the next day, next week, next year, or years down the road, a lie will never stay a lie. If your significant other asks you a question, please do not be a coward and lie or tell half a lie. Be strait-up with them. I personally am a firm believer in God, and He is a firm believer in me. He has never let me down, and I strive in every way I can to do my best to live the way I should especially when I’m trying to live my life RIGHT with someone else. God tends to always have my back, and He tends to always let me know what I need to know in steering me where He feels I needs to go…sometimes it just takes me longer to accept where He’s directing me.! And, on a personal note, if you fear what you are about to say will ruin your relationship, then you've probably already ruined it. Most people fear honesty, when they really need to just come down off their high-horse and just respect it more. Meaning, don't lie about who you know, where you have been, or what you have done. I am also a firm believer in saying what you feel. Guys are always walking around playing the victim yelling, “Well hell, I can’t read your mind, baby, I didn’t know…” Well, we need to tell them (although, in my experience - this still doens't do the trick. But hey - it's the effort that counts, right?). You can't walk around upset about something, never tell your partner, and expect them to know. A problem cannot be fixed if the problem is unknown. This also goes for your profession of love to them. Always tell your lover what they are doing well. Support them. Praise them and thank them, because they could always be with someone else. And nine times out of ten, there is always someone else lined up...waiting…

5.  Listen, Listen, LISTEN.
Listening is just as important as communicating. Cause baby, there is no point in talking if no one can hear you. This means you have to hear what your partner is saying, regardless if you agree with it.

6.  Cater to your partner.
People - You have to let your loved one know they are loved. You have to DO, not just SAY. Whether you like it or not, words will never be enough, you must show someone how you feel. Words are merely a blob of invisible clear air you breathe that has  to be backed and supported by the solidity of a proven action of respect, love and desire. You have to cater to them every once in a while. And I do NOT mean, after they have had enough and bitched about it. These things have to be done without being prompted to do so. Spur-of-the-moment dates, random gifts for no reason, be affectionate…I have said it so many times to so many people, and I believe I can speak for all the women in the world when I say; appreciation, respect, praise and acknowledgement are far more important to me than a million "I love you's" will ever be.

7.  Be confident, not insecure...only if made to feel so.
One of the biggest relationship killers these days is insecurity and jealousy. A little jealousy to me, is a good thing; I think it's actually cute. Jealousy shows you care, as long as it isn't over the top and possessive. But don't let your jealousy overtake your insecurities. If you are with your partner, and they have earned your trust, then you should trust them, unless they break it. If your partner is remaining loyal to you then there is no reason for you to be insecure about anything. Don’t get mad if someone tries to get with your partner. I don’t think it is right to take out their attractiveness to others on them. The things that attract you to them in the first place don’t go unnoticed by others, as it didn’t with you when you first met. You should be proud that others value them enough to want them, because who wants to be with someone no one else wants? Now, the issue here is how your partner reacts when they are being approached. If the behavior is encouraged by your partner, I’m sorry, but there is a problem, and it should be addressed. But if your partner ignores the person or situation, that to me is the most greatest expression of respect and consideration to a woman. That tells her he wouldn't rather be with anyone else or desire anyone over her, and that to me, is part of emotionally sealing that permanent relationship bond with that special person. Without that bond, you have nothing.

8. Others should not know what is going on in your relationship.

Now - I can honestly say, it pisses me off to no end when people are up in my business. Furthermore, it royally pisses me off, when random people feel like my business is their business! And please - Never broadcast your relationship problems to your friends or family. You'd be better off seeking advice from a complete stranger. Friends and family won't always have your best interest at heart. Their opinions will always be biased and they will always be on your side. Besides that, they can use what they know about your relationship against you. What happens when, you hate me tonight, and your best friend is making you feel better by also ‘hating’ me. Then you and I make up, and tomorrow you love me again. That best friend of yours, I’m sorry to say, he still ‘hates’ me from last night! I’m just saying, they can judge you based off the decisions you make to stay or leave or they can come between you and your mate later. Just keep your mess private. And let me say this - GUYS - please don't let your friends in on your sex life, because those ‘friends’ of yours may try to get your goods later on…just trust me. Your relationship should be a separate entity from your friendships and relationships with others - just my personal opinion.

Wanna Make Him/Her Smile?

And yes - it’s ok if you do some of these things for no reason at all…that’s kind of the point here.

*Text your partner when you aren't together to let them know you are thinking of them.
*Take care of their responsibilities; show they can count on you for important things.
*Tell them they were so right about something that’s not even important.
*Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.
*Make an obvious sacrifice to spend time with them.
*Leave random notes for them around the house.
*Create a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.
*Send your partner snail mail in the mail.

*Make them a hand-made card or note.
*Engage in and enjoy their hobbies.
*Encourage them.
*Cook for them.
*Hang out with their friends.
*Send them picture messages of yourself.
*Support them in everything...everything.
*Apologize often, even if you are not wrong.
*Let them be right, even if you think they aren't.
*Randomly tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.
*Look good for your partner; i.e. - make up, hair & perfume.
*Remember something they said that they thought you didn't hear.
*Notice when they do something challenging, and applaud their efforts.
*Surprise them with an unexpected gift they need or want for no reason.
*Invite them everywhere with you, even if you know they can't or won't come.
*Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means a lot.
*And my most favorite, and probably the most important of all, *Don't just say it, DO IT*

Just remember; most of the time, these only work when the person making the effort to do them is receiving the same in return...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Finances, Life and Frustration

So, a lot of things are interesting to me about people - whether it is people who save up money for unnecessary things while they are paying monthly notes on their “gap” auto insurance, people who spend/save up an un-Godly amount of money on their hobby(ies) while they are currently paying only minimum payments on a credit card/student loan or any other debt they may owe, or even people who talk out one side of their face about what they want in life (say, down the road in the next 5-10 years) yet, the way they live and spend their money reflects the complete opposite of what they say.

I, for one, am like any other human being on this earth. When I have an extra 20 bucks, you better bet your bottom I’m just as eager to head to the make-up isle at Walgreens to buy every shade of eye shadow they have on display, just so it can all sit in my make-up bag and never get used. There is just something about having that little extra unplanned money on-hand; your psyche automatically gives you a running list of nonsense things you do not need, and it says you have to purchase them at that very moment. Most people are not disciplined enough to act like they would if they never had received the extra money at all. And by doing that, I mean do any of the following: put the extra money away in your savings account, pay that much more on your credit card bill this month, pay that much more on your house note, or help eliminate one of your many monthly bills.

I struggled with this for sooooo long. The many phone calls to mom - “Gah, I just don’t know where my money is going. I thought I had my credit card paid off. And my student loan is only a couple hundred dollars less than it was when I first started paying, and I’ve been paying for over a YEAR!” I remember the talk, and I will never forget the disappointment that came with “Welcome to adulthood.”

Now - let me elaborate on and explain my intro-sentence. People have bills; there are very few people in this world who work everything out to a tee in order to be dang-near debt-free. What bothers me is the fact that there are grown people out there who have the mind-set of (and actually believe they aren’t losing money) “My minimum balance is only $25…so that’s all I pay each month.”  Don’t get me wrong, I myself have had to back down to paying only the minimum balance on a bill before - quite a few times. But it wasn’t while I was putting my extra money aside for frivolous things I didn’t need. And it wasn’t while I was creating more debt for myself because of something I ‘wanted’ and could live without.  Sometimes you have to back down to minimum payments - I get it. But the reason people think that is all they have to pay with no penalty, just confuses the crap out of me.



Now, if you are married, and you and your spouse choose to live and spend the way you do, then more power to you. But I’ll always remember one thing my parents told me – as long as you are single and looking for a soul mate to spend the rest of your life with, make sure what’s on your checklist for him, are things you can also live up to. Financial smarts and stability is on my list, and I have to treat things as if that’s on his list too. So by saying that, I understand a statement will tell me the minimum is all I’m required to pay, but I now read my statements as “minimum balance is $25 because we want to receive triple the amount of the full bill out of you.” I understand what an extra $20 or $30 a month on a 4-5% interest loan will do, how many years it will cut off the back and how much interest it is saving me in the long run. And when I make my payments with my extra included, I could think “Man, I sure could take that $20 or $30 and go buy me something.” Instead, I think of my future and the person I will be with - I think of how I will offer more for them than the obligation of taking on my unnecessary debt just because I wanted to spend my money stupidly and in-the-moment. I have found that I’m one of very few who think about someone else other myself; let alone the future with them in it.

This takes me back again, to putting needs before wants. There are a lot of people in this world who put their wants ahead of their needs, even ahead of others’ needs. And most of those people know that when or if times get tough, they can fall back on someone else. And that’s good to have. But it’s also better to think with your own brain and do everything you can to take care of your own self. No one owes you anything - especially if you aren’t cutting just a few corners to eliminate a little of the struggle that someone else may have to take on one day at your expense.



...free of my debt.

I guess this is just another opportunity for me to thank my parents for what they did. You may not be perfect, and neither am I; but I sure am glad I was raised the way I was. The way this world is headed, in my opinion, it is blatantly obvious that the major problems today are due to what is lacking in the home.

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage,
but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty."

Proverbs 21:5

Love is Patient, Love is Kind.

~Love~

by literal definition:

(noun); an intense feeling of deep affection for another; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (verb); to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to another; to feel a warm personal attachment of deep affection for another

Weird…The most important part of the literal meaning of this word (as defined by the most modern definition books) happens to involve someone else… 

 

I like to define “love” simply as this:

An unconditional feeling of selfless admiration for another soul without gain of any advantages or benefits upon oneself; a selfless feeling received strictly by another soul’s pure satisfaction, happiness and joyful fulfillment from life, aside from the joys of their own self…

I like to use my own personal definition of the word “love”. Over the years, I have come to realize, many are confused when it comes to the meaning and sentiment of this word. Of course, many have never given much thought to the actual meaning behind the word. We (most of us) have all grew up just hearing the word over and over, despite being taught the importance of what lies in the meaning beneath the word.

I could actually go on and on with my own personal definition of the word, as there are so many emotions that arise when I take my mind to my dictionary. I have always envisioned this “love” as the very thing I’ve always treated it to be: nothing less than selfless. Of course, there are so many who treat it and live by it so very differently than I. I believe the word has been watered down and beaten upon to the point where it has no significant meaning to the world any longer. People have taken the sentiment of what it truly means, and they have discarded every inch of what it has ever stood for. I find it sad and in a way, sickening. 

Selfishness is something, I believe, is being taught to children today in place of the true meaning of love. I do not mean to say that parents are intentionally teaching their children to think of themselves first before anyone else, but I do believe that with lack of structure, obligation and follow-through with things in this, what we call 'life', selfishness becomes a learned behavior, and soon trickles down in generation. 

I was brought up in a home with nearly nothing. I won’t go into detail, but I and my family are very fortunate to be where we are and have what we have today. I’m not sure why I don’t carry around with me the selfishness characteristic as some do; maybe it is because I am grateful for how far I have come, and I know what it is like to watch my parents struggle. Money, food, clothes, shoes, etc - maybe not having the best of the best at one time and watching the act of having to stretch a dollar into 20 when it had to be done is probably why I find myself saying so often “I don’t care” when I’m given a choice on things. It is simply because, at one time, I literally did not have a choice.

I see picky people who won't eat this, won't shop here and won't do this and wouldn't dare do that, and I have to bite my tongue and refrain from asking 'why not.' I have found that the answer I've been given in the past just doesn't make sense to me. And I understand that it never will. I'll never know what it's like not to naturally think about the monetary aspect of something while someone else doesn't give a thought about it. My mind is different in that, it's been trained and brought up in a different way than most. And also on the flip, others find it hard to understand why I try to think realistically and do what I can to save just cents on the dollar when purchasing an item.

I’ve often wondered if I needed to alter myself in order to be the person I’ve always strived to be; the one with the happy face, with the happy life, and the happy family. But there’s no telling what kind of person they had to be through life in order to gain the things I see them having. That person probably don’t know what it’s like to have to compare prices to quantity, needs over wants, and whether or not something is a necessity to them vs. purchasing something for someone else JUST to see them smile. I always tend to choose the latter. I find myself thinking of others’ happiness before my own. And I have found that there are very few out there like me. I have found where this action should bring joy, more often brings resentment. And I have struggled with this for so long, thinking it was me who needed to change, thinking I needed to do something differently to prevent the resentment in some way. Then it hit me; the resentment doesn’t come from within me, it comes from the selfishness in others.

It is a hard pill to swallow, but I do have to remind myself, that instead of refraining from performing the good deeds that often bring this resentment, I need to continue on with doing them and pray for others in the process. It is a very hard thing to do, but over time I have learned, that God has a (weird) way of turning your heart into what it needs to be. Of course, it takes time; a lot of time. But what once was sorrow, turns to joy, and by the grace of God, soon comes love in every soul. Sometimes that love becomes intended for something worth so much more than what you 'wanted' to begin with.

Everyone deserves my definition of love, in my opinion. I believe that if everyone thought a little more of the people they tell they love, they would receive tenfold in return. I know for myself, I have a lot more to offer than what I'm giving. But I just like to think I’m saving it all up for what God intends to be worth it for me in the long run.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 
1 Corinthians 13:4-6