Ahhh, holding grudges...it comes so natural, why not? That friend who betrayed you. That driver who cut you off at the light. The boyfriend or girlfriend who left you without an explanation or any closure at all. Or even a loved one who acted out too sudden and unintentionally hurt you to the core. Maybe this has happened recently, and feelings of regret and resentment are fresh enough that it still stings to think about it. The struggle to overcome these feelings and painful memories has consumed me. So what else to do but blog about it; about one of the biggest tests I've been faced with recently and how I'm coping with punching resentment and anger in the face when it knocks on my door.
I recently received an abrasive and matter-of-fact email response from someone falsely accusing me of several things on a personal level. I was shocked in that, the way this person saw the situation was so inaccurate, that it was embarrassing. I was extremely hurt in that, so much time had built up prior to me finding out their true feelings, their resentment and hatred towards me was obviously now at such a high level, there was no room for anger to set up on my end - it was pure hurt.
After processing what was written, the “Cave Woman” in me jumped out, and my first instinct was to write something hurtful back to them, in an act of self defense. However, my second instinct was to begin giving them a list of reasons why they were completely off target, in an attempt to refute their false accusations, change their way of viewing me, make them feel ashamed and ultimately, defend my own ego.
In the end, my rational self knew that doing either of the 2 things above would only trigger more negativity within myself, so I chose not to respond at all. I woke the next morning, many weeks-even months later with a gut-wrenching feeling, sick to my stomach, and with multiple defensive thoughts running through my head. It was like a dark cloud hovering over me - like I had let one of the most important people in my life down with no chance of fixing it or turning back. Thoughts of extreme hurt and even retaliation had been dancing around in my head in what seemed to be a never-ending cycle; I couldn't shake it no matter what I did. I hated this feeling. In fact, I hated the feeling of hating this feeling. Even though I knew I was getting nowhere by feeling upset, annoyed, and wronged, it felt impossible to control these thoughts and to not be bothered by them constantly. I had been so respectable of this person and their family, and to be shoved to the outside in this way months before even being told anything was wrong was incredibly excruciating. I was sick. I knew I had to release this energy to set myself free, but I had no idea how to do it. Rationalizing to this person at this point seemed completely redundant, given the fact that while I was oblivious to there being a problem, they had stewed over their insinuation of the situation for months. I felt that even if I attempted to fix it, I questioned whether or not I even wanted this person back in my life. If they can turn on me this easily and write me off without even notifying me when there was a problem to sort it out, are they really worth fighting for? The person I felt I could talk to at the time was definitely not an option, seeing as they too were following on this exact same path. Others who I'd attempted to confide in only fueled my fire because they too were taken aback and appalled at the entire situation.
When I stop to think in depth about the concept of resentment and anger, the cause of my emotions and feelings always seem to revolve around my own ego and my mind’s attempt to protect it at all times. Just as there are stages of grief, I have found, there also seems to be stages leading to resentment - And it seems we all go through each stage until we hit our resentment point.
• There is ego shock. When the feelings of shock, increased heart rate and anxiety set in. Physical
changes even begin to happen. You suddenly feel the need to wonder WHY this person would
feel like they can hurt you this badly. Your chest caves in. Your throat begins to hurt and you
may break out in a cold sweat from worry.
• Then comes the inner animal instinct. Just when my ego was hurt, my inner cavewoman (or the
Devil) wanted to jump out in attack mode and exchange hurt for hurt. Even though I knew that
stooping to their level was not the classy or womanly thing to do, my cavewoman was still there;
like an animal instinct acting in survival mode.
• Then came the defense mode. In an attempt to defend my ego for having been wrongfully
accused, my inner cavewoman somehow strategized a plan of defense and attack. This included
a list of harmful things I could say back to this person, explaining how far from reality they were
and how ashamed they would feel if given the truth.
• Then came my infused anger. The more I thought about how I’d been wronged, the deeper I
fell into feelings of resentment for all the nice things I had done, said or put up with not just by
this person, but from their family as well. Mainly, my resentment sat for all the respect I had
given because of being taught all my life to give it no matter what. I had now developed feelings
of anger and despair. And after acting upon every respectable standard my momma had
taught me over the years, and after all the times I brushed off offensive comments and digs,
I still displayed my respect and bit my tongue. After all the wrong-doings I had accepted in my
own personal situation connected to them and their family, I was at an utter shock to have
received this in return.
I have now realized, that being the bigger person in ANY situation is one of the hardest things you can do. And even though you may never get to speak your mind and "set the record straight", you realize that that may be the best thing for each party involved. Especially if setting the record straight may hurt or offend that person and cause grief and strife to them or their loved ones. You have to be big enough to accept the fact that exchanging hurt for hurt is not the Godly thing to do.
So, I have set out in an attempt to find my own technique for overcoming my resentment. I am not suggesting you suppress or deny these feelings, but instead, use responsible methods for dealing with these uncomfortable and unpleasant emotions so that you are no longer guilty to those animal instincts that seem to want to hurl themselves at the neck of your accuser.
As hard as it may seem, even while we are experiencing anger towards someone, the keys to overcoming these emotions lie first in understanding and forgiveness. This seems redundant, since our instincts tell us to defend ourselves by hurting the other person. In addition to communicating, understanding gives us insight into what the other person is feeling and why. Even before we reach the stage of forgiveness, understanding will automatically bring some peace to the emotional burden we’ve been carrying. And this will hopefully help ease some of the resentment part.
Before attempting to understand, we need to find a place of clarity within ourselves. Clarity means that we are not acting out of our emotions or our animal instincts. When we can step out of our inner animal, we are able to see the situation for what it is. It will quickly become clear that the other person was acting out of the instincts of their inner animal also; blinded by their own emotions and acting out. This is where talking and communicating is so very important. Whether the quarrel is with a family member or a significant other - without communication and talking it through, you will never succeed in any relationship with another. It is crucial - in fact, it is the core part of a relationship, any type of relationship. I have also found that the following are just as important:
Express Your Emotions.
THIS IS OK TO DO. Don't let anyone make you think or feel like you can not express how you feel. I have felt this way many times, and it was only because the other person just flat out did not care. Expressing how you feel is the ONLY way for people (who care) to understand you. Everyone needs to have the opportunity to fully express their emotions. This is not only the respectable thing to do, but it also allows you to understand where they are coming from and why they are acting the way they are. You owe it to them to be able to justify themselves.
Finding Peace.
This has been very hard for me to do. I'm trying to bring my attention to my own heart and focus on all the things I stand for. I catch myself pondering on the 'why's'; why do they treat me like this, why do they talk to me like this, why, why, why. And the only reason for it, is because I cannot wrap my mind around the fact that they are ok with making me feel the way I feel, because that doesn't come natural in me. I then have to force myself to focus on my core values and standards and how important they are to uphold. Once I realize I'm better than what I'm putting up with, it all makes logical sense as to why things are happening the way they are. I focus on all the times I put myself aside at the expense of someone's happiness, put forth effort just to see someone smile. This is the very thing I have noticed that sets me aside from most. I focus on everything I am grateful for in my life. I try to envision the people who truly care about me and love me unconditionally. And for a brief second, I experience the feelings of gratitude in my heart. This may not bring forgiveness for those who I feel have wronged me, but it is a start in being happy with myself and knowing that I am a selfless person in all areas, and I am not the way I'm being thought of and portrayed.
I am ultimately in control.
I try to remind myself that I am in control of my thoughts and actions. No matter what others cause me to feel, I am ultimately responsible for which ways the corners of my mouth turn. You are never as helpless or in as pitiful a state as your ego would have you believe. I try to remind myself of the thoughtful and responsible person that I am. When you begin to feel a certain way because someone did something disrespectful or hateful towards you, you have given them the power to control you. People do not disrespect and treat others bad for their own sake - they do it to see what it does to you. They push you to see how far they can go. Whether it's selfishness, greed or just disrespect that is instilled inside them - they do it out of spite to feel in control of you and what goes on. If you give them that power to control you by creating all of your emotions, that is the point where you have officially lost yourself. Take control of the situation on your end. Get out of it and run away if that isn't what you accept out of life. No one says it will be easy, but eventually if you don't take control yourself, someone else or something else will - and in the end, it will not go the way you planned it to anyway.
Understanding.
Once I am able to put that inner cavewoman instinct aside, I can objectively and maturely look at the situation for what it is. And sometimes, even though I cannot successfully seek understanding for what is causing the other person to act in this particular way, I try to remember that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. This should help me if and when the shoe is ever on the other foot. If someone doesn't care enough to find out the real story or situation, and they choose hatred towards you, then apparently they don't deserve who you are. There is always one who cares much more than the other, and at the end of the day, that is revealed. I have made myself a promise to take every negative or bad feeling that anyone has ever caused upon me, soak it up and promise myself to NEVER cause the same feelings upon anyone else. A lot of people do not consider this and never try to tame their inner animal instinct. Instead, some like to feed it. They thrive off of it for pleasure. This is something valuable I have learned that will hopefully contribute towards my own wellbeing and happiness in the upcoming future. Don't ever be the reason for someone's unhappiness. That's the Devil's job.
It seems as though, when people are in pain, they sometimes cannot help but spread that negative energy onto others. When people communicate in ways that are hurtful to you, 9 times out of 10, it is not meant to be personal, but rather a reflection of their own internal state of mind. It may even be triggered by something not even relevant to the current situation or point, and it is being taken out on you. Again, this is another reason why communication and sorting it out together is very important. If you are able to communicate, it is important to try and figure out the scenarios and perspectives which may have triggered them to treat you in a manner that hurts you. They may be in such a deep seated state of frustration and emotional disturbance that they have lost the capacity to communicate rationally and with consideration of your feelings. Seek to understand (or convince yourself) that people, by nature, do not want to harm others, but circumstances that trigger their inner animal instinct cause them to act out in self-defense. <---very hard to grasp when there are people out there who do intentionally hurt others. But convincing the mind that they do not exist, makes for a healthy soul in the end.
I have learned that you have to accept that it is okay for them to have negative thoughts or feelings towards you. They have the same freedom of thought and freedom of choice as do you, and according to them, their side of the story is the true one. But to save yourself from emotional turmoil, you must choose understanding; you must choose compassion no matter what they choose. Outside of that, stop worrying about it, and let them go. We cannot control other people’s actions, so why should we exert energy trying? Let others be, and find peace with it.
I read a quote somewhere that said “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiveness is a gradual process, and understanding will eventually take us there. However, if we do not attempt forgiveness, the only person we are harming is OURSELVES. The goal here, is to find peace with the situation and to move on with our own lives. Life is too short to dwell on these things, or to dwell on other people’s opinions of us - especially when you know they are not accurate. Give yourself a break, and forgive them with grace, compassion and understanding, then walk away. I assure you, it will pay off in the end.
Lastly, forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for having those thoughts of retaliation, anger, resentment, hatred or regret. After all, someone put those feelings in your heart by hurting you. Let it go, let them go, and peace will flood your heart.
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.
1 Peter 5:10
