To The One Who Stopped Appreciating The Girl He Loved

You thought that being perplexed was an excuse to stop appreciating her. You let your past, your pride, your demons, your selfishness and the fact that you are weak and scared be a validation for why you treated her the way you did. And you lost her, the one girl you needed to appreciate.

You didn't give her all of you and all of your love while making her think you were taking her on some crazy love adventure. You didn't hold her hand tight and teach her something new. You may have kissed her face a million times, or took her somewhere she’s always wanted to go, or even danced with her cheek to cheek and spoiled her with 'things' to make her feel special, but the most important thing was kept from her; your love and appreciation.

Believe it or not, this was the girl who changed your life. She was the one who was desperately trying to make you a better man. This was the girl who loved all of your wrongness, all those parts of you that hurt her the most, the parts that you hate about yourself. The girl who wiped your tears when you spoke about your dad and what he must have been like, the one who kissed your rough edges, who loved all of your roughness despite how ugly you treated her. Those parts of yourself that you only showed to her, even though they hurt her to the core, she adored them anyway. Her love for you somehow warmed your imperfections without you even realizing it, and you won't admit it, but it changed you somehow for the better.

This was the girl you needed to appreciate, because you know in your heart you will never give all of you like that to anyone else, and you know that no other girl will love you and your imperfections any better that she did. No one will put forth that much effort for such little gain.

Extraordinary love is rare. It means something. You needed to fight for it, to be a better man for her in order to have made an effort. You think choice means something. You think easiness is good. You think the more chances she gave you, the better you were. But trust me when I say, she is in your heart no matter how mad you portray yourself to be. Your roots have entwined together. You know that no matter what, she still looks at you as if you are magic, and you don't even notice a glimpse of it. All the while, in the back of your mind, deep down in your subconscious, you think there’s something better - but it’s all just an illusion that your ego is showing you.

You don't realize it, but dating her was not the end of your liberty, it was the beginning of it.

This love was extraordinary. You want calm seas and smooth sailing, but the girl you fell for is opinionated and smart who doesn’t always agree with you. She is difficult, she requires effort; it was a challenge, it was work, but know this - the easy girl will never satisfy you. She may be sweet and kind, but her uninspiring ways will eventually leave you empty inside. She will always leave you wanting more, never fulfilling your needs.

She argued with you because she cared. She craved so much more from you in order to grow with you - she had opinions and big dreams for your future as well as her own. She never let you get away with slacking on your talents and potential, and you think she was coming down hard on you for it. No matter how much she loved you, you never realized that eventually she would leave because you stop appreciating her.

Because she knows what you have, and she will never put up with not getting everything she deserves.

Whatever you did, you let her get away. It may have been difficult at times - she may have drove you crazy, she frustrated the hell out of you. But she never left you uninspired or unsatisfied. And she always allowed you back in when she shouldn't have.

You thought that no matter what you did, she would always be there because she loves you. That she would always take you back. But remember that you fell for the girl who isn't easy: as in, she won't just 'go with the flow' all of the time. She knows her worth. She knows the seriousness of what y'all had. She is the girl who will not settle for someone who doesn't put her first.

You didn't even know it, but you had a love that built, that made your soul alive, that made you a better man. You let this love get discarded for the next boring interest or side-chick. You lost this love because of your pride, your fears, your ego, your past and your selfish ways. Someone will value how special she is - someone will put in the effort that you didn't in order to be with her, and she will feel whole because of the appreciation she deserves.

Wake up and realize, she was worth appreciating. Because you didn't, you are the one who will suffer the most. You don't see it now, but you will soon enough.

So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love,

and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him.

1 John 4:16

Why She Stays - Understanding the Weak

"He won't lay a finger on you,

He won't wreck your pretty face.

But he'll tell you that you're worthless

Just to put you in your place."

Little Big Town, Evangeline

I came across this read, tweaked it a bit, and couldn't help understanding myself more. What more I had to be thankful for that lies ahead in my future. And the things I need to be looking forward to rather than the very things that have broke me down over the past several months.


They say you can't truly understand something until it happens to you. And they are absolutely right.

When I was young, I remember hearing a story from a friend about a woman and a man who started fighting in the car in front of my friend. the woman ran from the car and the man followed, brutally beating her and a passerby who tried to help, in front of dozens of people staring in shock. Certainly after that she would leave him, wouldn’t she?

Only a few months later, we spotted the same woman, with the same man - in line together at a local restaurant. I asked myself for years following why in the world she would stay. She was an idiot. She knew better. It was an obvious choice. He had done it once, and he would do it again. She was an idiot.

Now I understand.

Alcohol is an ingredient many people add to many of their scheduled plans. Bon fires, live music, riding back roads, etc. But the plans that are actually planned, hardly ever go 'as planned' when you have alcohol involved. Accidental or not - drunk or not - remember or not...abuse is abuse. A hit is a hit. A punch is a punch. And a shove is a shove. Every single time.

So let's just say he really is sorry after this incident, and months go by and he actually doesn't do it again. People like that have to have an out for their anger, whether it is physical or verbal. Brace yourselves - it will come in other forms if he isn't being physical anymore. These other forms are known as emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and they hit just as hard as a physical punch or shove ever could.

“You’re a bitch”.

“You’re a whore”.

“I don't care".

"F*** you".
"Go hit a wall or something".

"Go cry about it some more".

These incidences escalated to the point where one night I sat sobbing on my patio. I felt worthless. My life at that given moment was meaningless. I had no one. I couldn't tell anyone, the judging alone would send me over the edge. My one close friend who knew about all the incidences assured me that I was too good and loyal to put up with being treated like that, and that I should leave; that I had no reason to stay. So why didn’t I leave?

With every low there is a high. With every fight, there is a morning full of regretful apologies, tears and promises of it never happening again. And for a while, everything is back to being perfect. Until it happens again...

And again, and again, and again.

It is at the very moment it's over for good; you have mustered up the courage to walk away. You will find yourself alone. You will then find that what you've put up with for far too long has beaten you down to the point you thought you would never end up. It's as if we become brainwashed, broken to the point where we actually believe things are our fault and that we actually deserved the abuse in some sick way. Somehow we start to believe that if we change, that if we could only be better for him, it would stop. But it never does.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This experience has opened my eyes to millions of women in this world who endure and accept physical and emotional abuse day after day after day. So often society judges these women so harshly when they choose to stay, but not everyone understands why. Until a woman completely realizes what she is experiencing in her relationship is wrong and is in no way, shape, or form true love, she will certainly stay. And you cannot judge her for that.

You may not know why she stays, but I do.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,
showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,
since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,
so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7

Men, women aren't as complicated as you think -

I read an article recently that focused on relationships and the what to do's and the what not to do's; and if you know anything about me, I'm literally obsessed with the ins and out of all aspects dealing with relationship anything. I'm not sure if it's the endless amount of things that make up a good one or if it's the drive to understand why there are so many bad ones. I'm not sure, but what I am sure of (from experience) are the very things that will kill a relationship in a second.


I can only imagine the stressors of a man. We women expect our men to be sensitive, caring and in tune with our feelings. But at the same time, we still expect them to be strong protectors and able to fix anything that breaks. But what we don't understand, is that men can't be too sensitive or they begin to feel as though they are not being good enough protectors. On the other hand, they can't be too protective, or they begin feeling like they aren't being sensitive enough.


Although it may sound like I'm defending a man, I think it is very important for them to assume responsibility of being open minded in order to always balance between being caring and being strong. There is such a fine line, that most men can't determine the 'time' or 'place' for being either one or the other. Which brings me to a few things men do that ultimately hurt and most of the time, kill their relationship.


Being 'HARD' does not define your manhood
Ever since you were a kid, boys were taught to, "Man up," and, "Don't cry," just to accept the fact that bad things just happen in life. While this is good advice sometimes, your partner also needs you to be an optimist. Your relationship will need to rally from all kinds of challenges, failures, hurt feelings and health problems. Your partner doesn't need someone to tell her to stop crying, she needs a shoulder to cry on.


Put forth a little effort, and back up how you say you feel.
Physical affection is more than just sex. It includes giving her hugs before you leave for work, holding her hand in the aisle at the grocery store and pulling her close to you when you're watching a movie on the couch together. If you're withholding these things from her, you're withholding physical affection that women thrive on. The affection you try to show inside the bedroom will never make up for the physical affection you show her outside the bedroom.


Drop the ego and get on her level.
Studies show, that when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that the relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your job or career, this strategy will sure backfire in your relationship, because your partner will end up feeling like her opinions aren’t valuable and that she doesn’t matter to you. To help save your relationship, develop a more accepting attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.


We listen to you and act interested, try to do the same for us.
Story, after story, after story....the fishing trip gone bad, the weird guy from work, your family, your mother, the other weird guy from work, work, your hard day at work, your meeting at work, your jerk of a boss...We not only listen when you rant, we actually engage. Even if it does not relate one bit to our current day or situation; it is our job to make you feel like you are heard. We are your soundboard; we are who you bounce your negatives and positives off of, and you look to us for the sympathy or reassurance you need in all circumstances. So why not reciprocate that to us? Why not be that person when we need it? We don't expect you to actually 'care' about the stressors of our day, but if you aren't wanting us to seek out what we need elsewhere, then you also need to be engaged when we need you.


Prove to her with your actions why you ultimately chose her.
Of the hundreds of girls you have known and the dozens you have dated, your partner is the one you have picked to spend the rest of your life with. She needs to know that you still pick her - every day. Every time you check your phone when you're out together or every time you come home late from work without calling you're sending her a message that she's not important to you. Consequently, she wonders if you still care about her as much as when you first got married. Your work is important, but don't forget what you're working for. Remember that there's nothing on your phone that's more important than what's going on right around you.


Define your love for her every chance you get - after all, you're the one probably benefitting the most from it in the end.
Your partner needs to know she is loved and that you are grateful for her. You think you're showing love by going to work every day and bringing home a paycheck, so most of the time you don't do much more than that (except maybe on Valentine's Day). But, she needs more than that to see your love; she needs you to show her that you're doing it all for her. So take a little extra time and do something special. Send her a couple texts during the day or bring her home some flowers from the grocery store. You might be surprised at the reaction you get.


For God's sake, say you're sorry when you're at fault.
Nine times out of ten, a man is not owned by his faults unless his partner brings it to his attention. And it is a commonly known fact that when she outs him, most men will run through every excuse in the book to cover up the smallest thing before he feels like he should apologize - even when he is in the wrong and she can prove it! Guys, if you're the man you proclaim to be, then admit when you're wrong. You don't know it, but women (or at least myself) find ultimate attraction in a vulnerable man. When a man can put his ego aside and own up to something he did or didn't do, that is a major turn on. It's even sexier when you're willing to talk about it in efforts to save our negative feelings about it. Bottom line - a man who takes care of his woman emotionally, is definitely a man worth catering to.