Relationship Soup for the Soul

Let me just start out by saying, I am NO relationship expert. Everything I believe, think and live by in my relationship is based strictly on experience; as I have been told it is the best teacher. I like to still consider myself as a young, vibrant woman, but wise beyond my years, and I tend to learn very quickly. My relationship experiences have taught me a great deal, and I have learned through the years what not to do to someone else, given the pain I have felt because of a specific action.

As young people, I believe our relationships tend to falter because one tends to have little to no respect for the other. I believe this stems from the fact that either we aren’t in tune to exactly what a good relationship requires and consists of, or maybe because our parents never had it, or because we're too immature on our relationship-road to understand our feelings or emotions when it comes to involving another person. I get so tired of people getting in potentially great relationships, gaining everything there is to gain from another person, then ruining it simply because they do not and will not listen to what the other person needs in order for both to be happy and to make the relationship-seal a happy bond. I have racked my brain over and over trying to break the confusion I have over this concept, and all I can figure is that it’s simply because the person just doesn't want to try any harder beyond their normal capability. Now - I will steer clear from mentioning infidelity in this blog, because as important as a topic as it is these days, I can see my ‘positive and informational’ blog suddenly turning negative, deceitful and bashing and I would never want to stoop the level of revealing my list of ex-boyfriend’s names publically on my blog/Facebook; especially when it would be calling them out on such a disgusting act of nasty, hurtful -- Okay see, there I go already...

So, first things first, I don’t care what you say: men and women are not that much different from each other. Our similarities include, but are not limited to, the fact that we all demand respect, attention, openness, faithfulness, and honesty. We all have our days where we need our space, and we all have our days where we need our significant other to counsel us. Which brings me to my main focus: For those of you who down-right suck when it comes to acknowledgement, respect, or even making someone smile for no reason by going slightly out of your way to do so, here are a few absolute musts to go by. Or mark my word, your relationship is doomed...seriously.

1.  You must first be friends - best friends.
You want an open relationship? Then you have to be open. The person you are with should know your true self if you want it to last. This person should know what makes you laugh, smile, and what pisses you off to no end. This means you should be silly together; talk about anything - even the stupid things. You should be able to act consistent around each other; meaning the same way you act with your home-girls or home-boys, you should act around them. Even if neither of you have much in common, as long as you are friends, it will not matter.

2.  Respect one another.
I have found that by assessing others, this little tip seems to be one that is hard for young people, because most barely respect themselves. I feel that arguments are 100% necessary in order to have growth in a relationship. I feel that arguing is a main key point to a healthy relationship, as is knowing how to argue. Going for the jugular or under the belt is one of the biggest downfalls I see in a relationship...along with sidebars. (Have you ever been in an argument, and about 10 minutes into it, you find that the two of you are now arguing about something totally different than the main focal point problem?) I fall victim to this as well, but we must learn to respect each other, stay on target even through our anger, and strive to accomplish an agreement or sincere apology in the end. That means no name calling. No matter how large the disagreement, if you want to be with this person afterwards, you should not degrade them or say things to make them hurt just because you don't like what they are saying to you. And by all means, please - never get physical. You will create wounds that will never heal properly, physically, mentally, or emotionally.

3.  You have to be willing to compromise.
You are in a relationship - guess what, it isn't just about you. You have to take into account your partner’s feelings and emotions. Sometimes, you have to be willing to put yours on the back burner. Sacrifice something that won't hurt you if it is lost just for the sake and happiness of your relationship.  You will be surprised what type of impact it will have on your partner’s emotions, as well as the respect, gratitude and sexiness that comes along with it. Your partner's happiness should be number one in everything you do, and should be on the forefront of your mind if you want it to last.

4.  Be honest, truthful and open about everything when confronted.

The worst thing you can do in a relationship is lie to a person who knows you better than you probably know yourself. Honey, they will find out. I can’t tell you readers exactly how, but it has been in my experience, that I am just that good…ha ha - just kidding. No, but for real - Whether it's the next day, next week, next year, or years down the road, a lie will never stay a lie. If your significant other asks you a question, please do not be a coward and lie or tell half a lie. Be strait-up with them. I personally am a firm believer in God, and He is a firm believer in me. He has never let me down, and I strive in every way I can to do my best to live the way I should especially when I’m trying to live my life RIGHT with someone else. God tends to always have my back, and He tends to always let me know what I need to know in steering me where He feels I needs to go…sometimes it just takes me longer to accept where He’s directing me.! And, on a personal note, if you fear what you are about to say will ruin your relationship, then you've probably already ruined it. Most people fear honesty, when they really need to just come down off their high-horse and just respect it more. Meaning, don't lie about who you know, where you have been, or what you have done. I am also a firm believer in saying what you feel. Guys are always walking around playing the victim yelling, “Well hell, I can’t read your mind, baby, I didn’t know…” Well, we need to tell them (although, in my experience - this still doens't do the trick. But hey - it's the effort that counts, right?). You can't walk around upset about something, never tell your partner, and expect them to know. A problem cannot be fixed if the problem is unknown. This also goes for your profession of love to them. Always tell your lover what they are doing well. Support them. Praise them and thank them, because they could always be with someone else. And nine times out of ten, there is always someone else lined up...waiting…

5.  Listen, Listen, LISTEN.
Listening is just as important as communicating. Cause baby, there is no point in talking if no one can hear you. This means you have to hear what your partner is saying, regardless if you agree with it.

6.  Cater to your partner.
People - You have to let your loved one know they are loved. You have to DO, not just SAY. Whether you like it or not, words will never be enough, you must show someone how you feel. Words are merely a blob of invisible clear air you breathe that has  to be backed and supported by the solidity of a proven action of respect, love and desire. You have to cater to them every once in a while. And I do NOT mean, after they have had enough and bitched about it. These things have to be done without being prompted to do so. Spur-of-the-moment dates, random gifts for no reason, be affectionate…I have said it so many times to so many people, and I believe I can speak for all the women in the world when I say; appreciation, respect, praise and acknowledgement are far more important to me than a million "I love you's" will ever be.

7.  Be confident, not insecure...only if made to feel so.
One of the biggest relationship killers these days is insecurity and jealousy. A little jealousy to me, is a good thing; I think it's actually cute. Jealousy shows you care, as long as it isn't over the top and possessive. But don't let your jealousy overtake your insecurities. If you are with your partner, and they have earned your trust, then you should trust them, unless they break it. If your partner is remaining loyal to you then there is no reason for you to be insecure about anything. Don’t get mad if someone tries to get with your partner. I don’t think it is right to take out their attractiveness to others on them. The things that attract you to them in the first place don’t go unnoticed by others, as it didn’t with you when you first met. You should be proud that others value them enough to want them, because who wants to be with someone no one else wants? Now, the issue here is how your partner reacts when they are being approached. If the behavior is encouraged by your partner, I’m sorry, but there is a problem, and it should be addressed. But if your partner ignores the person or situation, that to me is the most greatest expression of respect and consideration to a woman. That tells her he wouldn't rather be with anyone else or desire anyone over her, and that to me, is part of emotionally sealing that permanent relationship bond with that special person. Without that bond, you have nothing.

8. Others should not know what is going on in your relationship.

Now - I can honestly say, it pisses me off to no end when people are up in my business. Furthermore, it royally pisses me off, when random people feel like my business is their business! And please - Never broadcast your relationship problems to your friends or family. You'd be better off seeking advice from a complete stranger. Friends and family won't always have your best interest at heart. Their opinions will always be biased and they will always be on your side. Besides that, they can use what they know about your relationship against you. What happens when, you hate me tonight, and your best friend is making you feel better by also ‘hating’ me. Then you and I make up, and tomorrow you love me again. That best friend of yours, I’m sorry to say, he still ‘hates’ me from last night! I’m just saying, they can judge you based off the decisions you make to stay or leave or they can come between you and your mate later. Just keep your mess private. And let me say this - GUYS - please don't let your friends in on your sex life, because those ‘friends’ of yours may try to get your goods later on…just trust me. Your relationship should be a separate entity from your friendships and relationships with others - just my personal opinion.

Wanna Make Him/Her Smile?

And yes - it’s ok if you do some of these things for no reason at all…that’s kind of the point here.

*Text your partner when you aren't together to let them know you are thinking of them.
*Take care of their responsibilities; show they can count on you for important things.
*Tell them they were so right about something that’s not even important.
*Give them something of yours that reminds you of them.
*Make an obvious sacrifice to spend time with them.
*Leave random notes for them around the house.
*Create a mixed CD of songs they’ll enjoy.
*Send your partner snail mail in the mail.

*Make them a hand-made card or note.
*Engage in and enjoy their hobbies.
*Encourage them.
*Cook for them.
*Hang out with their friends.
*Send them picture messages of yourself.
*Support them in everything...everything.
*Apologize often, even if you are not wrong.
*Let them be right, even if you think they aren't.
*Randomly tell them which qualities of theirs you admire.
*Look good for your partner; i.e. - make up, hair & perfume.
*Remember something they said that they thought you didn't hear.
*Notice when they do something challenging, and applaud their efforts.
*Surprise them with an unexpected gift they need or want for no reason.
*Invite them everywhere with you, even if you know they can't or won't come.
*Ask their advice on something important, and tell them their opinion means a lot.
*And my most favorite, and probably the most important of all, *Don't just say it, DO IT*

Just remember; most of the time, these only work when the person making the effort to do them is receiving the same in return...

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away."

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Finances, Life and Frustration

So, a lot of things are interesting to me about people - whether it is people who save up money for unnecessary things while they are paying monthly notes on their “gap” auto insurance, people who spend/save up an un-Godly amount of money on their hobby(ies) while they are currently paying only minimum payments on a credit card/student loan or any other debt they may owe, or even people who talk out one side of their face about what they want in life (say, down the road in the next 5-10 years) yet, the way they live and spend their money reflects the complete opposite of what they say.

I, for one, am like any other human being on this earth. When I have an extra 20 bucks, you better bet your bottom I’m just as eager to head to the make-up isle at Walgreens to buy every shade of eye shadow they have on display, just so it can all sit in my make-up bag and never get used. There is just something about having that little extra unplanned money on-hand; your psyche automatically gives you a running list of nonsense things you do not need, and it says you have to purchase them at that very moment. Most people are not disciplined enough to act like they would if they never had received the extra money at all. And by doing that, I mean do any of the following: put the extra money away in your savings account, pay that much more on your credit card bill this month, pay that much more on your house note, or help eliminate one of your many monthly bills.

I struggled with this for sooooo long. The many phone calls to mom - “Gah, I just don’t know where my money is going. I thought I had my credit card paid off. And my student loan is only a couple hundred dollars less than it was when I first started paying, and I’ve been paying for over a YEAR!” I remember the talk, and I will never forget the disappointment that came with “Welcome to adulthood.”

Now - let me elaborate on and explain my intro-sentence. People have bills; there are very few people in this world who work everything out to a tee in order to be dang-near debt-free. What bothers me is the fact that there are grown people out there who have the mind-set of (and actually believe they aren’t losing money) “My minimum balance is only $25…so that’s all I pay each month.”  Don’t get me wrong, I myself have had to back down to paying only the minimum balance on a bill before - quite a few times. But it wasn’t while I was putting my extra money aside for frivolous things I didn’t need. And it wasn’t while I was creating more debt for myself because of something I ‘wanted’ and could live without.  Sometimes you have to back down to minimum payments - I get it. But the reason people think that is all they have to pay with no penalty, just confuses the crap out of me.



Now, if you are married, and you and your spouse choose to live and spend the way you do, then more power to you. But I’ll always remember one thing my parents told me – as long as you are single and looking for a soul mate to spend the rest of your life with, make sure what’s on your checklist for him, are things you can also live up to. Financial smarts and stability is on my list, and I have to treat things as if that’s on his list too. So by saying that, I understand a statement will tell me the minimum is all I’m required to pay, but I now read my statements as “minimum balance is $25 because we want to receive triple the amount of the full bill out of you.” I understand what an extra $20 or $30 a month on a 4-5% interest loan will do, how many years it will cut off the back and how much interest it is saving me in the long run. And when I make my payments with my extra included, I could think “Man, I sure could take that $20 or $30 and go buy me something.” Instead, I think of my future and the person I will be with - I think of how I will offer more for them than the obligation of taking on my unnecessary debt just because I wanted to spend my money stupidly and in-the-moment. I have found that I’m one of very few who think about someone else other myself; let alone the future with them in it.

This takes me back again, to putting needs before wants. There are a lot of people in this world who put their wants ahead of their needs, even ahead of others’ needs. And most of those people know that when or if times get tough, they can fall back on someone else. And that’s good to have. But it’s also better to think with your own brain and do everything you can to take care of your own self. No one owes you anything - especially if you aren’t cutting just a few corners to eliminate a little of the struggle that someone else may have to take on one day at your expense.



...free of my debt.

I guess this is just another opportunity for me to thank my parents for what they did. You may not be perfect, and neither am I; but I sure am glad I was raised the way I was. The way this world is headed, in my opinion, it is blatantly obvious that the major problems today are due to what is lacking in the home.

"The plans of the diligent lead surely to advantage,
but everyone who is hasty comes surely to poverty."

Proverbs 21:5

Love is Patient, Love is Kind.

~Love~

by literal definition:

(noun); an intense feeling of deep affection for another; a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (verb); to feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to another; to feel a warm personal attachment of deep affection for another

Weird…The most important part of the literal meaning of this word (as defined by the most modern definition books) happens to involve someone else… 

 

I like to define “love” simply as this:

An unconditional feeling of selfless admiration for another soul without gain of any advantages or benefits upon oneself; a selfless feeling received strictly by another soul’s pure satisfaction, happiness and joyful fulfillment from life, aside from the joys of their own self…

I like to use my own personal definition of the word “love”. Over the years, I have come to realize, many are confused when it comes to the meaning and sentiment of this word. Of course, many have never given much thought to the actual meaning behind the word. We (most of us) have all grew up just hearing the word over and over, despite being taught the importance of what lies in the meaning beneath the word.

I could actually go on and on with my own personal definition of the word, as there are so many emotions that arise when I take my mind to my dictionary. I have always envisioned this “love” as the very thing I’ve always treated it to be: nothing less than selfless. Of course, there are so many who treat it and live by it so very differently than I. I believe the word has been watered down and beaten upon to the point where it has no significant meaning to the world any longer. People have taken the sentiment of what it truly means, and they have discarded every inch of what it has ever stood for. I find it sad and in a way, sickening. 

Selfishness is something, I believe, is being taught to children today in place of the true meaning of love. I do not mean to say that parents are intentionally teaching their children to think of themselves first before anyone else, but I do believe that with lack of structure, obligation and follow-through with things in this, what we call 'life', selfishness becomes a learned behavior, and soon trickles down in generation. 

I was brought up in a home with nearly nothing. I won’t go into detail, but I and my family are very fortunate to be where we are and have what we have today. I’m not sure why I don’t carry around with me the selfishness characteristic as some do; maybe it is because I am grateful for how far I have come, and I know what it is like to watch my parents struggle. Money, food, clothes, shoes, etc - maybe not having the best of the best at one time and watching the act of having to stretch a dollar into 20 when it had to be done is probably why I find myself saying so often “I don’t care” when I’m given a choice on things. It is simply because, at one time, I literally did not have a choice.

I see picky people who won't eat this, won't shop here and won't do this and wouldn't dare do that, and I have to bite my tongue and refrain from asking 'why not.' I have found that the answer I've been given in the past just doesn't make sense to me. And I understand that it never will. I'll never know what it's like not to naturally think about the monetary aspect of something while someone else doesn't give a thought about it. My mind is different in that, it's been trained and brought up in a different way than most. And also on the flip, others find it hard to understand why I try to think realistically and do what I can to save just cents on the dollar when purchasing an item.

I’ve often wondered if I needed to alter myself in order to be the person I’ve always strived to be; the one with the happy face, with the happy life, and the happy family. But there’s no telling what kind of person they had to be through life in order to gain the things I see them having. That person probably don’t know what it’s like to have to compare prices to quantity, needs over wants, and whether or not something is a necessity to them vs. purchasing something for someone else JUST to see them smile. I always tend to choose the latter. I find myself thinking of others’ happiness before my own. And I have found that there are very few out there like me. I have found where this action should bring joy, more often brings resentment. And I have struggled with this for so long, thinking it was me who needed to change, thinking I needed to do something differently to prevent the resentment in some way. Then it hit me; the resentment doesn’t come from within me, it comes from the selfishness in others.

It is a hard pill to swallow, but I do have to remind myself, that instead of refraining from performing the good deeds that often bring this resentment, I need to continue on with doing them and pray for others in the process. It is a very hard thing to do, but over time I have learned, that God has a (weird) way of turning your heart into what it needs to be. Of course, it takes time; a lot of time. But what once was sorrow, turns to joy, and by the grace of God, soon comes love in every soul. Sometimes that love becomes intended for something worth so much more than what you 'wanted' to begin with.

Everyone deserves my definition of love, in my opinion. I believe that if everyone thought a little more of the people they tell they love, they would receive tenfold in return. I know for myself, I have a lot more to offer than what I'm giving. But I just like to think I’m saving it all up for what God intends to be worth it for me in the long run.

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 
1 Corinthians 13:4-6