Why She Stays - Understanding the Weak

"He won't lay a finger on you,

He won't wreck your pretty face.

But he'll tell you that you're worthless

Just to put you in your place."

Little Big Town, Evangeline

I came across this read, tweaked it a bit, and couldn't help understanding myself more. What more I had to be thankful for that lies ahead in my future. And the things I need to be looking forward to rather than the very things that have broke me down over the past several months.


They say you can't truly understand something until it happens to you. And they are absolutely right.

When I was young, I remember hearing a story from a friend about a woman and a man who started fighting in the car in front of my friend. the woman ran from the car and the man followed, brutally beating her and a passerby who tried to help, in front of dozens of people staring in shock. Certainly after that she would leave him, wouldn’t she?

Only a few months later, we spotted the same woman, with the same man - in line together at a local restaurant. I asked myself for years following why in the world she would stay. She was an idiot. She knew better. It was an obvious choice. He had done it once, and he would do it again. She was an idiot.

Now I understand.

Alcohol is an ingredient many people add to many of their scheduled plans. Bon fires, live music, riding back roads, etc. But the plans that are actually planned, hardly ever go 'as planned' when you have alcohol involved. Accidental or not - drunk or not - remember or not...abuse is abuse. A hit is a hit. A punch is a punch. And a shove is a shove. Every single time.

So let's just say he really is sorry after this incident, and months go by and he actually doesn't do it again. People like that have to have an out for their anger, whether it is physical or verbal. Brace yourselves - it will come in other forms if he isn't being physical anymore. These other forms are known as emotional abuse and verbal abuse, and they hit just as hard as a physical punch or shove ever could.

“You’re a bitch”.

“You’re a whore”.

“I don't care".

"F*** you".
"Go hit a wall or something".

"Go cry about it some more".

These incidences escalated to the point where one night I sat sobbing on my patio. I felt worthless. My life at that given moment was meaningless. I had no one. I couldn't tell anyone, the judging alone would send me over the edge. My one close friend who knew about all the incidences assured me that I was too good and loyal to put up with being treated like that, and that I should leave; that I had no reason to stay. So why didn’t I leave?

With every low there is a high. With every fight, there is a morning full of regretful apologies, tears and promises of it never happening again. And for a while, everything is back to being perfect. Until it happens again...

And again, and again, and again.

It is at the very moment it's over for good; you have mustered up the courage to walk away. You will find yourself alone. You will then find that what you've put up with for far too long has beaten you down to the point you thought you would never end up. It's as if we become brainwashed, broken to the point where we actually believe things are our fault and that we actually deserved the abuse in some sick way. Somehow we start to believe that if we change, that if we could only be better for him, it would stop. But it never does.

I truly believe everything happens for a reason. This experience has opened my eyes to millions of women in this world who endure and accept physical and emotional abuse day after day after day. So often society judges these women so harshly when they choose to stay, but not everyone understands why. Until a woman completely realizes what she is experiencing in her relationship is wrong and is in no way, shape, or form true love, she will certainly stay. And you cannot judge her for that.

You may not know why she stays, but I do.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way,
showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel,
since they are heirs with you of the grace of life,
so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7

Men, women aren't as complicated as you think -

I read an article recently that focused on relationships and the what to do's and the what not to do's; and if you know anything about me, I'm literally obsessed with the ins and out of all aspects dealing with relationship anything. I'm not sure if it's the endless amount of things that make up a good one or if it's the drive to understand why there are so many bad ones. I'm not sure, but what I am sure of (from experience) are the very things that will kill a relationship in a second.


I can only imagine the stressors of a man. We women expect our men to be sensitive, caring and in tune with our feelings. But at the same time, we still expect them to be strong protectors and able to fix anything that breaks. But what we don't understand, is that men can't be too sensitive or they begin to feel as though they are not being good enough protectors. On the other hand, they can't be too protective, or they begin feeling like they aren't being sensitive enough.


Although it may sound like I'm defending a man, I think it is very important for them to assume responsibility of being open minded in order to always balance between being caring and being strong. There is such a fine line, that most men can't determine the 'time' or 'place' for being either one or the other. Which brings me to a few things men do that ultimately hurt and most of the time, kill their relationship.


Being 'HARD' does not define your manhood
Ever since you were a kid, boys were taught to, "Man up," and, "Don't cry," just to accept the fact that bad things just happen in life. While this is good advice sometimes, your partner also needs you to be an optimist. Your relationship will need to rally from all kinds of challenges, failures, hurt feelings and health problems. Your partner doesn't need someone to tell her to stop crying, she needs a shoulder to cry on.


Put forth a little effort, and back up how you say you feel.
Physical affection is more than just sex. It includes giving her hugs before you leave for work, holding her hand in the aisle at the grocery store and pulling her close to you when you're watching a movie on the couch together. If you're withholding these things from her, you're withholding physical affection that women thrive on. The affection you try to show inside the bedroom will never make up for the physical affection you show her outside the bedroom.


Drop the ego and get on her level.
Studies show, that when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that the relationship will self-destruct. While hoarding power may have got you ahead in your job or career, this strategy will sure backfire in your relationship, because your partner will end up feeling like her opinions aren’t valuable and that she doesn’t matter to you. To help save your relationship, develop a more accepting attitude toward compromise. Practice by giving in on issues you don’t feel extremely invested in.


We listen to you and act interested, try to do the same for us.
Story, after story, after story....the fishing trip gone bad, the weird guy from work, your family, your mother, the other weird guy from work, work, your hard day at work, your meeting at work, your jerk of a boss...We not only listen when you rant, we actually engage. Even if it does not relate one bit to our current day or situation; it is our job to make you feel like you are heard. We are your soundboard; we are who you bounce your negatives and positives off of, and you look to us for the sympathy or reassurance you need in all circumstances. So why not reciprocate that to us? Why not be that person when we need it? We don't expect you to actually 'care' about the stressors of our day, but if you aren't wanting us to seek out what we need elsewhere, then you also need to be engaged when we need you.


Prove to her with your actions why you ultimately chose her.
Of the hundreds of girls you have known and the dozens you have dated, your partner is the one you have picked to spend the rest of your life with. She needs to know that you still pick her - every day. Every time you check your phone when you're out together or every time you come home late from work without calling you're sending her a message that she's not important to you. Consequently, she wonders if you still care about her as much as when you first got married. Your work is important, but don't forget what you're working for. Remember that there's nothing on your phone that's more important than what's going on right around you.


Define your love for her every chance you get - after all, you're the one probably benefitting the most from it in the end.
Your partner needs to know she is loved and that you are grateful for her. You think you're showing love by going to work every day and bringing home a paycheck, so most of the time you don't do much more than that (except maybe on Valentine's Day). But, she needs more than that to see your love; she needs you to show her that you're doing it all for her. So take a little extra time and do something special. Send her a couple texts during the day or bring her home some flowers from the grocery store. You might be surprised at the reaction you get.


For God's sake, say you're sorry when you're at fault.
Nine times out of ten, a man is not owned by his faults unless his partner brings it to his attention. And it is a commonly known fact that when she outs him, most men will run through every excuse in the book to cover up the smallest thing before he feels like he should apologize - even when he is in the wrong and she can prove it! Guys, if you're the man you proclaim to be, then admit when you're wrong. You don't know it, but women (or at least myself) find ultimate attraction in a vulnerable man. When a man can put his ego aside and own up to something he did or didn't do, that is a major turn on. It's even sexier when you're willing to talk about it in efforts to save our negative feelings about it. Bottom line - a man who takes care of his woman emotionally, is definitely a man worth catering to.