How is one to live a moral and compassionate existence when
he is fully aware of the blood and the horror that is inherent in it; when you
find darkness not only in your culture, but eventually with the people around you
and even within yourself? If there is such a stage at which one's life becomes
truly 'adult', it must be when they finally grasp the irony in the unfolding of
their life and what is actually expected of them. Is this where they accept
responsibility? Even at the point of realization when it’s for a life lived in
the midst of such paradox? I’m not saying issues are purposely brought upon oneself
-- or are they? I now understand why we must live in the middle of
contradiction and just and wait until it's our time to gain….or decease. Think
about it - if all contradiction were eliminated at once, life itself would
collapse...but would that be such a horrible thing in the end? The waiting game
brings upon my impatience...
I've found, there are simply no answers to some of these
great pressing questions. No matter how hard it is, you have to continue to
live them out. You have to make your own life a worthy expression of learning –
you cannot expect someone else to be involved in that process with you. Though
it seems lonely back there, sitting on the back burner has its perks. Even the
smartest, most intellectual psychologist/psychiatrist cannot begin to touch on
the relation with one's own deepest thoughts, emotions and outlook on their own
life. It's my life - I'm obviously the only one who can truly understand it; even
as hard as I try to beg someone else to understand.
Three passions have governed my life: the longing for love,
the continued search for knowledge, and the unbearable pity for the suffering
of mankind. In the findings of love, I have seen (in a mystic miniaturized
version), the described vision of heaven. They say love brings ecstasy and
surprisingly, is supposedly
guaranteed to relieve loneliness. With a more equal passion, I have found
knowledge along my journey in life; as I have wished to understand the hearts
of mankind and reasoning behind their thoughtless words and actions. I often
sit and wonder why the stars always feel free to shine so bright at night, seeming
to give a false envision of hope for what lies ahead.
However, my cup continues to runneth over with much love and
knowledge, and I am constantly directed above to seek my life answers. And although
I feel very blessed at times, somehow pity always slams me back to earth, and
pain repeatedly reflects in my heart.
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